As the weather has turned toasty toward the end of the year, many are busting out their dusty flip-flops, dresses, and tank tops for all sorts of sexy summer fun. All but one. Jimmy Chordle SEAS ’18 recently received a package in the mail from his mother, and he knew the instant he opened it: his mother had just royally fucked his summer style.
“She said she had sent me a package, and I thought it was going to be some flip-flops or a swimsuit or some shit like that,” Chordle said. “But no, she had to dress me up like a sheep, God forbid my arms get a little sunburned.”
“Fuck you, mom,” he added.
Chordle’s new sweater vest, cutely adorned with bananas and other assorted fruits, is made of 100% heavy wool fiber, and really clings to Jimmy when he’s out and about on those warm summer days.
“Someone please just put me out of my misery,” Chordle said.
Shortly after speaking with The Federalist, Chordle was CAVA’d for heat-stroke and low self-esteem. Still, he instructed the ambulance staff not to lay a finger on his beloved sweater vest, for although it was giving him first-degree burns, he could not risk his mother seeing a charge for wool-skin separation on his hospital bill.
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She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
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Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
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