As the weather has turned toasty toward the end of the year, many are busting out their dusty flip-flops, dresses, and tank tops for all sorts of sexy summer fun. All but one. Jimmy Chordle SEAS ’18 recently received a package in the mail from his mother, and he knew the instant he opened it: his mother had just royally fucked his summer style.
“She said she had sent me a package, and I thought it was going to be some flip-flops or a swimsuit or some shit like that,” Chordle said. “But no, she had to dress me up like a sheep, God forbid my arms get a little sunburned.”
“Fuck you, mom,” he added.
Chordle’s new sweater vest, cutely adorned with bananas and other assorted fruits, is made of 100% heavy wool fiber, and really clings to Jimmy when he’s out and about on those warm summer days.
“Someone please just put me out of my misery,” Chordle said.
Shortly after speaking with The Federalist, Chordle was CAVA’d for heat-stroke and low self-esteem. Still, he instructed the ambulance staff not to lay a finger on his beloved sweater vest, for although it was giving him first-degree burns, he could not risk his mother seeing a charge for wool-skin separation on his hospital bill.
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"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."
"Approach the first hot girl you see, taking the shortest path possible—use Dijkstra’s algorithm here if necessary."
"I'm submitting my piece into the veritable marketplace of ideas, where everyone will applaud me for my bravery and insight."