As the weather has turned toasty toward the end of the year, many are busting out their dusty flip-flops, dresses, and tank tops for all sorts of sexy summer fun. All but one. Jimmy Chordle SEAS ’18 recently received a package in the mail from his mother, and he knew the instant he opened it: his mother had just royally fucked his summer style.
“She said she had sent me a package, and I thought it was going to be some flip-flops or a swimsuit or some shit like that,” Chordle said. “But no, she had to dress me up like a sheep, God forbid my arms get a little sunburned.”
“Fuck you, mom,” he added.
Chordle’s new sweater vest, cutely adorned with bananas and other assorted fruits, is made of 100% heavy wool fiber, and really clings to Jimmy when he’s out and about on those warm summer days.
“Someone please just put me out of my misery,” Chordle said.
Shortly after speaking with The Federalist, Chordle was CAVA’d for heat-stroke and low self-esteem. Still, he instructed the ambulance staff not to lay a finger on his beloved sweater vest, for although it was giving him first-degree burns, he could not risk his mother seeing a charge for wool-skin separation on his hospital bill.
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For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”.
He did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.
“I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’”
“From the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”
“Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks,” said an advisor at the student life department.
“As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”
“For some reason, students seemed dissatisfied with our nonexistent appointment times, emotionally unavailable staff, and imposing bureaucratic system.”
“Going to school in Manhattan guarantees a jam-packed schedule of posing for group pictures, spending $300 on bottle service, and Juuling on the Le Bain terrace.”
“I know it’s totally quirky to like a film star from the fifties, but Audrey is just such a fashion icon.”