BUTLER - Trying to find your footing after a big move can be a challenge for anyone, but when Karl Winters CC’19 transferred from Arizona State University to Columbia University, nothing could have prepared him for the jarring culture shock.
Though Winters thought he wanted a change from the all-out blackout-drunk partying of ASU, he has found himself stricken with nostalgia for the kind of warm, velvety buttchugs of his old stomping grounds. Nights holed up in Butler with nothing but the sounds of one man’s echoey sniffles to keep him company were no match for vodka-soaked tampons shoved up his youthful, eager bottom.
“I really thought I wanted a break from getting a Budweiser enema every weekend, but now that I’m in a place where no one ever gets loose, I’m starting to miss the familiar, raw sting of alcohol funneling into my rectum,” said Winters. “I guess you never know what you got ‘til it’s gone.”
When asked whether he plans on transferring back to ASU, Winters stated that he has plans to consolidate the chugging community at Columbia, which has long sought the acceptance of Columbia’s orally-fixated. Winters hopes to secure space in the old FIJI house, as the place has long been seen as welcoming to assholes.
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“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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