BUTLER - Trying to find your footing after a big move can be a challenge for anyone, but when Karl Winters CC’19 transferred from Arizona State University to Columbia University, nothing could have prepared him for the jarring culture shock.
Though Winters thought he wanted a change from the all-out blackout-drunk partying of ASU, he has found himself stricken with nostalgia for the kind of warm, velvety buttchugs of his old stomping grounds. Nights holed up in Butler with nothing but the sounds of one man’s echoey sniffles to keep him company were no match for vodka-soaked tampons shoved up his youthful, eager bottom.
“I really thought I wanted a break from getting a Budweiser enema every weekend, but now that I’m in a place where no one ever gets loose, I’m starting to miss the familiar, raw sting of alcohol funneling into my rectum,” said Winters. “I guess you never know what you got ‘til it’s gone.”
When asked whether he plans on transferring back to ASU, Winters stated that he has plans to consolidate the chugging community at Columbia, which has long sought the acceptance of Columbia’s orally-fixated. Winters hopes to secure space in the old FIJI house, as the place has long been seen as welcoming to assholes.
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4. Kill the author of this article.
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Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”