WIEN - As the semester’s work ramps up, one wise Computer Science major has made a commitment to truly streamlining his life. Donning a diaper nicely covered by Columbia bookstore sweats and a single questionably stained grey T-shirt, Jeremy Irons SEAS ‘18 is confident that he has finally gained the upper hand against the dual pressures of completing Advanced Programming problem sets and walking all the way to the bathroom.
“After I stopped showering back in January, I struggled to figure out how I could further maximize my work output,” explained Irons. “But last week, as I sat in Butler sponging down my nutrient-starved body I suddenly realized: why change my clothes when I can just wear the same reeking shirt for an entire year? Why go to the bathroom when I can relieve myself right in the NoCo chair I’ve nested in for the past 13 days?”
Despite mild criticism from his friends and family, Irons himself couldn’t be more excited. His new attire has not only optimized his performance but also drastically reduced the amount of social interaction he has to endure each day.
“You’d be amazed how quickly guards have been swiping me into my building, and how quickly people have been getting out of the elevator since my aroma reached that point of piquant combination between Arduino boards and aged flesh.” said Irons. “Needless to say,” Irons added, “I’ve never written so much code in my entire life.”
Ever the entrepreneur, Irons sees the competitive landscape for unique diaper habits as an indicator of the end of the nonportable bathroom era. “Right now, two of the top fecaltech V.C.s have already put up capital for my line of reusable diapers for programmers,” he said. “Our valuation is already bigger than Kohler.”
In Other News
“Listen, there’s only like four openings left in the job market in this country, and I’m not getting left behind because I didn’t do enough resume optimization.”
“The union representative also strongly urged the purchase of 2-liters of Coca-Cola, Sierra Mist, and Hi-C Tropical Punch for each party.”
“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”
“What are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, stay out of the tunnels. We cannot stress enough how horny these Super Bats are.”
A Fed article by Sappho.
ANTH4001: HE’S GOT YOUR EYES: BASTARD CHILDREN AND BEYOND: Topics covered will include: burner phones, child support, contraceptive methods, and Zoloft.
At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market."
"You have the audacity to pull out your 10 page long CC paper and staple it as if you explicitly mean to torture me."