WIEN - As the semester’s work ramps up, one wise Computer Science major has made a commitment to truly streamlining his life. Donning a diaper nicely covered by Columbia bookstore sweats and a single questionably stained grey T-shirt, Jeremy Irons SEAS ‘18 is confident that he has finally gained the upper hand against the dual pressures of completing Advanced Programming problem sets and walking all the way to the bathroom.
“After I stopped showering back in January, I struggled to figure out how I could further maximize my work output,” explained Irons. “But last week, as I sat in Butler sponging down my nutrient-starved body I suddenly realized: why change my clothes when I can just wear the same reeking shirt for an entire year? Why go to the bathroom when I can relieve myself right in the NoCo chair I’ve nested in for the past 13 days?”
Despite mild criticism from his friends and family, Irons himself couldn’t be more excited. His new attire has not only optimized his performance but also drastically reduced the amount of social interaction he has to endure each day.
“You’d be amazed how quickly guards have been swiping me into my building, and how quickly people have been getting out of the elevator since my aroma reached that point of piquant combination between Arduino boards and aged flesh.” said Irons. “Needless to say,” Irons added, “I’ve never written so much code in my entire life.”
Ever the entrepreneur, Irons sees the competitive landscape for unique diaper habits as an indicator of the end of the nonportable bathroom era. “Right now, two of the top fecaltech V.C.s have already put up capital for my line of reusable diapers for programmers,” he said. “Our valuation is already bigger than Kohler.”
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Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."
"Approach the first hot girl you see, taking the shortest path possible—use Dijkstra’s algorithm here if necessary."
"I'm submitting my piece into the veritable marketplace of ideas, where everyone will applaud me for my bravery and insight."