WIEN - As the semester’s work ramps up, one wise Computer Science major has made a commitment to truly streamlining his life. Donning a diaper nicely covered by Columbia bookstore sweats and a single questionably stained grey T-shirt, Jeremy Irons SEAS ‘18 is confident that he has finally gained the upper hand against the dual pressures of completing Advanced Programming problem sets and walking all the way to the bathroom.
“After I stopped showering back in January, I struggled to figure out how I could further maximize my work output,” explained Irons. “But last week, as I sat in Butler sponging down my nutrient-starved body I suddenly realized: why change my clothes when I can just wear the same reeking shirt for an entire year? Why go to the bathroom when I can relieve myself right in the NoCo chair I’ve nested in for the past 13 days?”
Despite mild criticism from his friends and family, Irons himself couldn’t be more excited. His new attire has not only optimized his performance but also drastically reduced the amount of social interaction he has to endure each day.
“You’d be amazed how quickly guards have been swiping me into my building, and how quickly people have been getting out of the elevator since my aroma reached that point of piquant combination between Arduino boards and aged flesh.” said Irons. “Needless to say,” Irons added, “I’ve never written so much code in my entire life.”
Ever the entrepreneur, Irons sees the competitive landscape for unique diaper habits as an indicator of the end of the nonportable bathroom era. “Right now, two of the top fecaltech V.C.s have already put up capital for my line of reusable diapers for programmers,” he said. “Our valuation is already bigger than Kohler.”
In Other News
“I probably should have known something was up when I entered and didn’t even check in with a human, just a slimy iPad from 2008.”
“We’re going all out to ensure that every sad boi finds his sad non-gendered partner this Valentine’s Day.”
If this journey has taught me anything, it is that I mustn't change who I am to find love with a future Goldman Sachs managing director. Instead, I must transfer to Barnard. Maybe then I’ll have a better shot.
“I’m an ally. I’m trying to create a better brand for this movement, one that better complies with established grammar rules.”
The snake is reportedly cash-green and vaguely slimy-looking, with an Apple watch still attached to its body.
“Robin was such a grinder,” said his roommate Tag Eisenhower CC’ 20. “For as long as I knew him he would put his body through absolute hell simply because he didn’t possess a single shred of planning or basic organization.”
He was also spotted with a few of his Lit Hum books in his backpack, a clear indication he is planning to study those too, like a massive dork.
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”
“Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens.”
“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.