ST. JOHN THE DIVINE -- Following continued reports of his uncomfortably long handshakes and seemingly interminable smiles, Columbia Administration remains unsure whether Mark Matthias CC ‘18 is a sexual deviant or just really, really Christian.
Matthias’s off-putting behavior has been the subject of campus-wide debate. “His natural talent for making everyone he meets deeply uncomfortable has got to stem either from deeply ingrained Protestantism or a desire to do some freaky, freaky shit to people,” said CPS representative Tammy Rosenblatt. “Like, knife shit. Or poop shit.”
Students remain undecided as to whether Matthias’s “very clean but still kinda greasy” visage should be a cause for comfort or concern. “His bright-white teeth, polite glasses, and cleanly-pressed clothes, all should probably have put me at ease when I met the guy,” said Jackie Carter SEAS ‘17, “but I really can’t tell if he’s just being friendly, or wants to tie me up and slather me in some homemade barbecue sauce from wherever in bumfuck Kentucky he must be from.”
At press time, Matthias was seen perking up at the mention of the word “missionary.”
In Other News
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”