1020 - Students looked on in disgust this weekend as one filthy pigeon spent all night atop 1020 hopping from female to female in search of a mate.
“It’s disgusting and frankly really embarrassing,” said one disappointed onlooker. “The ends that some of the freaks go to around here for a little mating are absolutely pathetic.”
Other sources reported seeing the pigeon strut around on frat row for hours before resignedly heading to the corner of Amsterdam and 110th, where he endeavored to coax anything with feathers and an orifice back to his nest. He also harassed passing male pigeons, asking if they would be his wing men.
“He sits around at the sundial fluffing his feathers all day, staring at all the females with his beady little eyes like they’re pieces of meat, turkeys ready to be cooked,” one frustrated student said. “The fact that, in this day and age, you can get away with that kind of blatant sexism absolutely blows my mind. Their species may be preyed upon, but mark my words: that bird is the true predator.”
Across the Hudson, the bird’s friends and family expressed growing concern about where their once young and adorable chick’s life was headed. Said the young pest’s mother: “Those college campuses are dens of sin—just look what they’ve done to my little boy. I knew when we dropped him off this wouldn’t end well, when we saw a possum wearing bird feathers trying to pass itself off as a parrot. No wonder these godless heathens have corrupted my sweet child.”
While some family members blame the horny pigeon’s relentless sexual advances on his newfound freedom, others are convinced that he’s just a bad egg.
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For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”.
He did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.
“I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’”
“From the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”
“Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks,” said an advisor at the student life department.
“As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”
“For some reason, students seemed dissatisfied with our nonexistent appointment times, emotionally unavailable staff, and imposing bureaucratic system.”
“Going to school in Manhattan guarantees a jam-packed schedule of posing for group pictures, spending $300 on bottle service, and Juuling on the Le Bain terrace.”
“I know it’s totally quirky to like a film star from the fifties, but Audrey is just such a fashion icon.”