1020 - Students looked on in disgust this weekend as one filthy pigeon spent all night atop 1020 hopping from female to female in search of a mate.
“It’s disgusting and frankly really embarrassing,” said one disappointed onlooker. “The ends that some of the freaks go to around here for a little mating are absolutely pathetic.”
Other sources reported seeing the pigeon strut around on frat row for hours before resignedly heading to the corner of Amsterdam and 110th, where he endeavored to coax anything with feathers and an orifice back to his nest. He also harassed passing male pigeons, asking if they would be his wing men.
“He sits around at the sundial fluffing his feathers all day, staring at all the females with his beady little eyes like they’re pieces of meat, turkeys ready to be cooked,” one frustrated student said. “The fact that, in this day and age, you can get away with that kind of blatant sexism absolutely blows my mind. Their species may be preyed upon, but mark my words: that bird is the true predator.”
Across the Hudson, the bird’s friends and family expressed growing concern about where their once young and adorable chick’s life was headed. Said the young pest’s mother: “Those college campuses are dens of sin—just look what they’ve done to my little boy. I knew when we dropped him off this wouldn’t end well, when we saw a possum wearing bird feathers trying to pass itself off as a parrot. No wonder these godless heathens have corrupted my sweet child.”
While some family members blame the horny pigeon’s relentless sexual advances on his newfound freedom, others are convinced that he’s just a bad egg.
In Other News
“The union representative also strongly urged the purchase of 2-liters of Coca-Cola, Sierra Mist, and Hi-C Tropical Punch for each party.”
“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”
“What are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, stay out of the tunnels. We cannot stress enough how horny these Super Bats are.”
A Fed article by Sappho.
ANTH4001: HE’S GOT YOUR EYES: BASTARD CHILDREN AND BEYOND: Topics covered will include: burner phones, child support, contraceptive methods, and Zoloft.
At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market."
"You have the audacity to pull out your 10 page long CC paper and staple it as if you explicitly mean to torture me."
"After almost a year of listening to protesters chanting ‘Where’s Lee Bollinger’ on the steps outside my office, I realized they had a point. I wasn’t where I should be: on their side. It was a humbling moment.”