1020 - Students looked on in disgust this weekend as one filthy pigeon spent all night atop 1020 hopping from female to female in search of a mate.
“It’s disgusting and frankly really embarrassing,” said one disappointed onlooker. “The ends that some of the freaks go to around here for a little mating are absolutely pathetic.”
Other sources reported seeing the pigeon strut around on frat row for hours before resignedly heading to the corner of Amsterdam and 110th, where he endeavored to coax anything with feathers and an orifice back to his nest. He also harassed passing male pigeons, asking if they would be his wing men.
“He sits around at the sundial fluffing his feathers all day, staring at all the females with his beady little eyes like they’re pieces of meat, turkeys ready to be cooked,” one frustrated student said. “The fact that, in this day and age, you can get away with that kind of blatant sexism absolutely blows my mind. Their species may be preyed upon, but mark my words: that bird is the true predator.”
Across the Hudson, the bird’s friends and family expressed growing concern about where their once young and adorable chick’s life was headed. Said the young pest’s mother: “Those college campuses are dens of sin—just look what they’ve done to my little boy. I knew when we dropped him off this wouldn’t end well, when we saw a possum wearing bird feathers trying to pass itself off as a parrot. No wonder these godless heathens have corrupted my sweet child.”
While some family members blame the horny pigeon’s relentless sexual advances on his newfound freedom, others are convinced that he’s just a bad egg.
In Other News
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"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."
"Approach the first hot girl you see, taking the shortest path possible—use Dijkstra’s algorithm here if necessary."
"I'm submitting my piece into the veritable marketplace of ideas, where everyone will applaud me for my bravery and insight."