PROFESSOR JAMESON’S OFFICE HOURS -- Recently, one noble scholar was awarded the highest form of recognition for his academic labors. Overheard bragging to his friends that he had finished every single Lit Hum book, including “that boring part of the Aeneid where nothing happens” and “that lame section of the Iliad where they just list off a bunch of ships,” Ronald Withers CC ‘20, received an affirming pat on the back from his Lit Hum Professor, Dr. Frederick Jameson.
“It was as though I had been lighted on by the grace of Jove himself,” Withers reported, misquoting a passage from King Lear. “Dr. Jameson pressed his hand on my back with such grace and firmness; it was as though he was conveying not only his approval, but also the approval of generations upon generations of dead white men”.
According to Jameson, the pat lasted approximately fifteen seconds, a duration he carefully selected because it was both “short enough to avoid awkwardness, but long enough to convey the gravity and loftiness of Withers’ accomplishment”.
“That was not just a pat. It was a firm, yet gentle, yet restrained, hopeful, yet humbling, affirmation of the shining academic example Columbia stands for,” Jameson insisted. “I pray that my other students will follow Ronald’s example and one day fulfill the classes’ minimum requirement themselves.”
Ronald’s classmate, Katy Sik CC ‘20, was awed by his groundbreaking achievement. “We’re all so impressed by Ronald’s dedication,” she said in wonder. “He is the truest model of scholarship I have ever encountered. I can only hope to one day understand my area of study in the same cursory way that Ronald’s fulfillment of basic Lit Hum expectations has helped him understand the entirety of Western Literature.”
In Other News
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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