Guess what, unwitting Facebook friends! After a grueling semester full of failed midterms and alcoholic rants against feminism, I’m thrilled to announce that I’ve been accepted to my school’s study abroad program in Europe! I was so nervous that I wouldn’t get this opportunity considering how only 97% of applicants get accepted, so I asked Daddy to donate some extra money just to be safe. I can’t wait to see where this journey will take me. I will be taking classes like “The Ethics of Avoiding Poor People” and “Five Steps to Writing More Woke Odyssey Op-Eds.” Do you have any idea how hard I worked this semester to get into this program? Because I’ve been coked out since October and could really use some help filling in the details.
Anyways, studying abroad will also broaden my worldview and impact me for a lifetime, or at least that’s what it said on the website. Educationally, I’ll be able to further my pursuit of degrees in business administration and cirrhosis of the liver. Socially, I’m certain that this study abroad program will help me expand my cultural horizons by exposing me to new ideas, social norms, and foreign chicks.
The great thing about this program is that it’s in English, so I won’t have to waste any time learning a language I’ll never use. Instead, I can spend all my time experiencing all that the culture of Europe has to offer. From the streets of Paris to the Renaissance artwork of Italy, the dry humor of England to the nude beaches of Spain, I will hit every night club and do every party drug in between them. Da Vinci, Michelangelo, molly, ecstasy, heroin, you name it and I’m there. After all, what’s the point of studying abroad if you can’t relax and have a little fun every now and again?! The bottom line is, while on my semester abroad, I plan to travel extensively, study as little as possible, and explore my bisexuality. Thanks Mom and Dad!
In Other News
Beware: anyone who approaches Alphadouchies will likely succumb to verbal abuse rooted in insecurities.
“I don’t need your pity. But I do need you to buy this pan flute CD for $5.”
“She said she had sent me a package, and I thought it was going to be some flip-flops or a swimsuit or some shit like that."
"I’m starting to miss the familiar, raw sting of alcohol funneling into my rectum."
“We all look the same except for that one brunette, but usually we make her take the photo anyways, so we should be fine."
"To all those people who revel in moist novels like Infinite Jest and scoff at bony novellas like Of Mice and Men, this list is for you."
"In the future, we will work harder to ensure that students cannot understand anything from the lectures or notes."
"Why go to the bathroom when I can relieve myself right in the NoCo chair I’ve nested in for the past 13 days?”
"I really can’t tell if he’s just being friendly, or wants to tie me up and slather me in some homemade barbecue sauce."
"I mean, it's definitely a tough situation they've got over there."