Guess what, unwitting Facebook friends! After a grueling semester full of failed midterms and alcoholic rants against feminism, I’m thrilled to announce that I’ve been accepted to my school’s study abroad program in Europe! I was so nervous that I wouldn’t get this opportunity considering how only 97% of applicants get accepted, so I asked Daddy to donate some extra money just to be safe. I can’t wait to see where this journey will take me. I will be taking classes like “The Ethics of Avoiding Poor People” and “Five Steps to Writing More Woke Odyssey Op-Eds.” Do you have any idea how hard I worked this semester to get into this program? Because I’ve been coked out since October and could really use some help filling in the details.
Anyways, studying abroad will also broaden my worldview and impact me for a lifetime, or at least that’s what it said on the website. Educationally, I’ll be able to further my pursuit of degrees in business administration and cirrhosis of the liver. Socially, I’m certain that this study abroad program will help me expand my cultural horizons by exposing me to new ideas, social norms, and foreign chicks.
The great thing about this program is that it’s in English, so I won’t have to waste any time learning a language I’ll never use. Instead, I can spend all my time experiencing all that the culture of Europe has to offer. From the streets of Paris to the Renaissance artwork of Italy, the dry humor of England to the nude beaches of Spain, I will hit every night club and do every party drug in between them. Da Vinci, Michelangelo, molly, ecstasy, heroin, you name it and I’m there. After all, what’s the point of studying abroad if you can’t relax and have a little fun every now and again?! The bottom line is, while on my semester abroad, I plan to travel extensively, study as little as possible, and explore my bisexuality. Thanks Mom and Dad!
In Other News
"At press time, students across campus remained too scared of Gunderson to tell him to speed the fuck up."
"With asexuality, you're essentially calling yourself your own boss. Good for freelancers and executives, though less effective for those looking to get in at the ground level of a major corporation, where most of the work will likely be collaborative."
“What the hell am I supposed to tell people…‘I'm from the Northeast'? Like I’m just gonna lump Rhode Island in there too? Jesus Christ.”
"As of press time, a full four minutes after class was supposed to end, Timmons was seen transitioning into an involved monologue about the finer points of Thucydides’ sexuality."
"At first I thought it was strange that he seemed to be tuning the piano, which seemed to be in working condition; but real Hell broke loose when we realized the doors were locked."
"It’s time for us to start including people from all walks of life: Kyle's, Anderson's, maybe even a Quinn if we’re feeling adventurous. Literally just one person that isn’t named Dylan. That’d be ill.”
"We looked into each other’s eyes, and then we both knew, just like that. It felt so natural. It was a really special moment.”
"President Bollinger has already announced a rare Monday holiday to commemorate the student's brave achievement."
"Items found at the scene included a copy of Walter Benjamin’s Illuminations, 15 pairs of rose-colored sunglasses, five inflatable palm trees (deflated), three Pax vaporizers, and a bust of David."
"Gutierrez is currently accepting students for his four-hour seminar entitled 'How to Intersperse Sophisticated Words to Augment Your Intellectual Comportment.' It takes place on Sunday, October 14th from 2–5 p.m. in the Carman basement lounge."