Guess what, unwitting Facebook friends! After a grueling semester full of failed midterms and alcoholic rants against feminism, I’m thrilled to announce that I’ve been accepted to my school’s study abroad program in Europe! I was so nervous that I wouldn’t get this opportunity considering how only 97% of applicants get accepted, so I asked Daddy to donate some extra money just to be safe. I can’t wait to see where this journey will take me. I will be taking classes like “The Ethics of Avoiding Poor People” and “Five Steps to Writing More Woke Odyssey Op-Eds.” Do you have any idea how hard I worked this semester to get into this program? Because I’ve been coked out since October and could really use some help filling in the details.
Anyways, studying abroad will also broaden my worldview and impact me for a lifetime, or at least that’s what it said on the website. Educationally, I’ll be able to further my pursuit of degrees in business administration and cirrhosis of the liver. Socially, I’m certain that this study abroad program will help me expand my cultural horizons by exposing me to new ideas, social norms, and foreign chicks.
The great thing about this program is that it’s in English, so I won’t have to waste any time learning a language I’ll never use. Instead, I can spend all my time experiencing all that the culture of Europe has to offer. From the streets of Paris to the Renaissance artwork of Italy, the dry humor of England to the nude beaches of Spain, I will hit every night club and do every party drug in between them. Da Vinci, Michelangelo, molly, ecstasy, heroin, you name it and I’m there. After all, what’s the point of studying abroad if you can’t relax and have a little fun every now and again?! The bottom line is, while on my semester abroad, I plan to travel extensively, study as little as possible, and explore my bisexuality. Thanks Mom and Dad!
In Other News
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."
"Approach the first hot girl you see, taking the shortest path possible—use Dijkstra’s algorithm here if necessary."
"I'm submitting my piece into the veritable marketplace of ideas, where everyone will applaud me for my bravery and insight."