Guess what, unwitting Facebook friends! After a grueling semester full of failed midterms and alcoholic rants against feminism, I’m thrilled to announce that I’ve been accepted to my school’s study abroad program in Europe! I was so nervous that I wouldn’t get this opportunity considering how only 97% of applicants get accepted, so I asked Daddy to donate some extra money just to be safe. I can’t wait to see where this journey will take me. I will be taking classes like “The Ethics of Avoiding Poor People” and “Five Steps to Writing More Woke Odyssey Op-Eds.” Do you have any idea how hard I worked this semester to get into this program? Because I’ve been coked out since October and could really use some help filling in the details.
Anyways, studying abroad will also broaden my worldview and impact me for a lifetime, or at least that’s what it said on the website. Educationally, I’ll be able to further my pursuit of degrees in business administration and cirrhosis of the liver. Socially, I’m certain that this study abroad program will help me expand my cultural horizons by exposing me to new ideas, social norms, and foreign chicks.
The great thing about this program is that it’s in English, so I won’t have to waste any time learning a language I’ll never use. Instead, I can spend all my time experiencing all that the culture of Europe has to offer. From the streets of Paris to the Renaissance artwork of Italy, the dry humor of England to the nude beaches of Spain, I will hit every night club and do every party drug in between them. Da Vinci, Michelangelo, molly, ecstasy, heroin, you name it and I’m there. After all, what’s the point of studying abroad if you can’t relax and have a little fun every now and again?! The bottom line is, while on my semester abroad, I plan to travel extensively, study as little as possible, and explore my bisexuality. Thanks Mom and Dad!
In Other News
"Because while ole Jeffy-Jeff did some pretty bad things, if we focus just on those we lose the big picture - a vibrant canvas which clearly shows that as a society, we can learn a great deal from this man."
"The two girls, who refer to themselves collectively as '704,' their room number, have begun the semester with conflicting class schedules."
"Modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality..."
"Soon, sweetheart," cooed the 54-year-old professor's mother . "It'll come sooner if you fall asleep."
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.
"Coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. You gotta stay focused on winning! Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’"
"Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus."
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
"In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!"