WHITE HOUSE NORTH - Inspired by Michelle Obama’s campaign to stop childhood obesity, America’s new First Lady, Melania Trump, has chosen to utilize cyber-bullying as a platform to continue Mrs. Obama’s work. Mrs. Trump will begin her campaign this month, visiting schools across the country to encourage kids to “Get on the web and start harassing!”
Mrs. Trump has made a declaration to go after any child weighing in at anything more than 93.4 pounds. “I’ve done a lot of research and all the movies show that fat shaming is the most effective way to make those little bastards lose a few pounds.”
She claims that she herself was a victim of bullying as a child, and this important engagement with her peers led her to become the bulimic that gave her the figure she has today. “If a few nasty comments in the hallway can lead me to shove a toothbrush down my throat every night, I can’t even begin to imagine the results we can get with everyone on social media.”
She is now in contact with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg to implement a new “fat” hashtag that can be used by anyone on any photo found on the website. “Kids can just run around Facebook tagging all their fat friends,” Mrs. Trump said. “It will be a whole movement in itself.”
And Mrs. Trump is not the only one in her family working to solve the childhood obesity epidemic. If President Trump’s proposed budget passes, the federal government is set to withhold free lunch vouchers from potentially millions of children – thick and non-thick alike.
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Beware: anyone who approaches Alphadouchies will likely succumb to verbal abuse rooted in insecurities.
“I don’t need your pity. But I do need you to buy this pan flute CD for $5.”
“She said she had sent me a package, and I thought it was going to be some flip-flops or a swimsuit or some shit like that."
"I’m starting to miss the familiar, raw sting of alcohol funneling into my rectum."
“We all look the same except for that one brunette, but usually we make her take the photo anyways, so we should be fine."
"To all those people who revel in moist novels like Infinite Jest and scoff at bony novellas like Of Mice and Men, this list is for you."
"In the future, we will work harder to ensure that students cannot understand anything from the lectures or notes."
"Why go to the bathroom when I can relieve myself right in the NoCo chair I’ve nested in for the past 13 days?”
"I really can’t tell if he’s just being friendly, or wants to tie me up and slather me in some homemade barbecue sauce."
"I mean, it's definitely a tough situation they've got over there."