DODGE - Last Wednesday Christine Crowthers CC ‘19 was seen leaving Doge Fitness center around 8:35 A.M.. “I saw Christine leaving the fitness center, holding a 17oz. Swell water bottle,” said Pete Jameson, CC ‘19. “I was a bit perplexed at first because it looked like the bottle was wooden, but as the female passed me I deduced that it was actually just an illusion produced by a plastic imitation of wood.”
Water bottle in hand, Crowthers was reportedly seen sweating profusely and smiling, presumably caused by the excretion of endorphins, a common biological occurrence after partaking in exercise.
According to authorities, Crowthers timed her exit of the gym perfectly with the early rush of students harmlessly making their way to 8:40 classes across campus. There were multiple complaints filed by students that morning who felt harassed, or emotionally endangered, by the young woman, who was reportedly lightly jogging past Low even after departing from Dodge.
In these tumultuous times it is imperative to create safe spaces for students across campus. The distressing actions of the smug pieces of athletic shit such as Crowthers mustn't go ignored.
Stephanie Reed SEAS ‘18 opened up about her experience: “The last thing I want to see on my way to class on any given morning is some girl’s nasty ass and blotchy face after leaving the gym. It is a threat to those of us, including myself who value sedentariness and the increase of diagnoses of diabetes nationwide.” If you or anyone you know is struggling with urges to go to the gym in the morning we recommend you call the 1-800-HELPME hotline to help you consider your actions’ effects on others. And if you do decide to be a little bitch and hit the gym, we strongly suggest you consider going at night, when you can be cloaked by darkness.
In Other News
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"'Bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son."
"When I finally ran into her standing in sweatpants and a boring green cardigan in front of Butler, she just looked like a mere mortal."
Flipping water bottles doesn’t need to oppress women like it does now.