DODGE - Last Wednesday Christine Crowthers CC ‘19 was seen leaving Doge Fitness center around 8:35 A.M.. “I saw Christine leaving the fitness center, holding a 17oz. Swell water bottle,” said Pete Jameson, CC ‘19. “I was a bit perplexed at first because it looked like the bottle was wooden, but as the female passed me I deduced that it was actually just an illusion produced by a plastic imitation of wood.”
Water bottle in hand, Crowthers was reportedly seen sweating profusely and smiling, presumably caused by the excretion of endorphins, a common biological occurrence after partaking in exercise.
According to authorities, Crowthers timed her exit of the gym perfectly with the early rush of students harmlessly making their way to 8:40 classes across campus. There were multiple complaints filed by students that morning who felt harassed, or emotionally endangered, by the young woman, who was reportedly lightly jogging past Low even after departing from Dodge.
In these tumultuous times it is imperative to create safe spaces for students across campus. The distressing actions of the smug pieces of athletic shit such as Crowthers mustn't go ignored.
Stephanie Reed SEAS ‘18 opened up about her experience: “The last thing I want to see on my way to class on any given morning is some girl’s nasty ass and blotchy face after leaving the gym. It is a threat to those of us, including myself who value sedentariness and the increase of diagnoses of diabetes nationwide.” If you or anyone you know is struggling with urges to go to the gym in the morning we recommend you call the 1-800-HELPME hotline to help you consider your actions’ effects on others. And if you do decide to be a little bitch and hit the gym, we strongly suggest you consider going at night, when you can be cloaked by darkness.
In Other News
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“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
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