In times of crisis or confusion, we often look to our great leaders, our great innovators for guidance. During the American Civil War, Abraham Lincoln shouldered that burden. During the Franco-Mexican War, the adorable President Benito Juarez (seriously, so cute) boldly led his nation. When the Twin Towers fell, Rudy Giuliani said some words. Oftentimes, an individual’s legacy and body of work serves as inspiration, whether he be alive or not. Today, with President Trump’s executive order banning refugees from seven predominantly Muslim countries being hotly debated across America, we must again turn to our heroes. And if Chef Boyardee were alive, you better believe he would support refugees.
Ettore Boiardi immigrated to the United States at the age of 16, and, though he was not Muslim, he was that kind of brown-ish Italian. (You know what I mean.) Like many American immigrants, Chef lived the American Dream. He toiled in anonymity at the Plaza Hotel for years before he was honored with the title of head chef. One can only imagine how he’d advocate today for the Syrian orphans who want nothing more than to become sous chef at the St. Regis.
There are telling signs of Boyardee’s likely support of refugees in his magnificent cuisine. Take, for instance, his signature Beefaroni. Available in both regular and whole-grain varieties, Beefaroni embodies the spirit of outwardly disparate entities coexisting in a single melting pot: his USDA prime beef greets the delicate tomato puree in a show of inspiring harmony. The two ingredients focus on what brings them together, not what tears them apart. Are you getting it now?
But it’s not just the beefaroni—it’s everything. It’s what Chef and his brand stand for. An unapologetic progressive vision permeates Boy-Ar-Dee products; Chef’s Mini Dinosaurs are not only a delicious after-school meal, but an affirmation of Boyardee’s commitment to science and intellectual rigor.
If only Trump and Muslim refugees could sit down at the negotiating table and enjoy a bowl of Pizza Twist Macaroni, they would see: we all have so much in common, primarily our love for a good can of Boyardee. And somewhere, Chef Boyardee will look down upon them, smiling.
In Other News
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.
"Coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. You gotta stay focused on winning! Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’"
"Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus."
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
"In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!"
"I thought it was frankly irresponsible that the tour guide failed to mention even one location in which my son could find himself bucking the wild white pony at 3:15pm on a Wednesday afternoon."
"His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”
"The problem at hand is obviously upbringing, as Manny seems to be totally unaware of the established rules governing my society."
"The freshman is now able to efficiently balance his time between understanding the ethics of Hellenistic culture, and informing all of his recent sexual partners that they should get tested."