FURNALD - Sean McConnell CC ‘20 only left his laundry for twenty minutes. He went upstairs to retrieve his enormous backpack before a chess club meeting, and when he got back, his stuff had been taken out of the machine. He found his shirts, socks, and underwear, but after digging for a few minutes he realized something was missing: someone had taken his virginity.
“There was a huge pile of abandoned clothes on the ground, so at first I thought it might just be buried under some dirty towels,” McConnell said. “I even moved some girl’s warm bra and panties to check for my virginity underneath, which was pretty awkward considering I’d never been within three feet of a bra in my life. But it was nowhere to be found.”
McConnell chose to live in Furnald because he heard it offered a strong sense of trust and security. “People taking your virginity and not even leaving a number afterwards – that’s something you’d expect to happen in Carman, and only after hours of leaving it there intact. But you’d never expect to lose it in Furnald. I let my guard down for just a brief moment, and boy, did I get fucked.”
The next morning, Katie Lee CC ‘20, another Furnald resident, returned McConnell’s virginity to the laundry room with disgust, realizing she’d taken it by mistake. “That night, I had way too much to drink,” she said. “Otherwise, there’s no way I would’ve ever taken his virginity. It’s pretty nasty. I don’t want to know where those mysterious stains come from, and why does it smell like Cool Ranch Doritos?”
With his virginity back in his possession, McConnell says he doesn’t plan to take any more chances. “Next year, I’m transferring to SEAS. No way anyone will be taking my virginity any time soon.”
In Other News
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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