Growing up in a liberal suburb of New York, I was raised with progressive principles: to unconditionally accept anyone regardless of race, gender, income, or taste in teak furniture -- and to always stand up to bigots.
The problem is, what if that bigot is a total beefcake?
On one hand, I know Paul Ryan’s comments about the laziness of “urban” America are indefensible conjecture. But when he struts that pretty little ass on stage, my incorruptible moral compass goes out the window, only to be replaced with pure, unbridled libido.
The problem is, I could never tell my parents any of this. “Didn’t we raise you right?” Mom would say. “He’s anti-choice, he’s a climate change denier, he’s a chauvinist.” I know in my heart of hearts that she’s right. But seeing him grab the sides of the podium as he spouts neo-conservative rhetoric, all I can think is how it might feel if he were grabbing my sides instead, whispering sweet nothings in my ear as I trace little itty-bitty circles in his thick, groomed chest hair.
I know this Trump business should pose more of an issue to me. Can I trust Paul Ryan to stand up to our populist commander-in-chief? Is he an enemy or an ally? A top or a bottom? Please, please let him be a top.
I didn’t choose to want to fuck Paul Ryan. It’s just the way I am. I hope my parents will find a way to move past their politics and accept me for who I want to be. Until then, I’ll be daydreaming of Speaker Ryan and me, taking that trip to Venice we always talk about but never get around to.
In Other News
For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”.
He did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.
“I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’”
“From the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”
“Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks,” said an advisor at the student life department.
“As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”
“For some reason, students seemed dissatisfied with our nonexistent appointment times, emotionally unavailable staff, and imposing bureaucratic system.”
“Going to school in Manhattan guarantees a jam-packed schedule of posing for group pictures, spending $300 on bottle service, and Juuling on the Le Bain terrace.”
“I know it’s totally quirky to like a film star from the fifties, but Audrey is just such a fashion icon.”