IRISH PUB, PRETTY MUCH ANYWHERE - Across campus, as students unhook their stomach pumps and recover from the drunken debauchery of St. Patrick’s Day weekend, the most egalitarian minds of the campus party community are struggling with an important question concerning ethnic respect in our delicate political climate.
“It’s an incredibly nuanced moral problem,” said Jen Gankel CC’17. “On one hand, political correctness is as trendy as it will ever be, but on the other hand, how could I blow off a half semester’s worth of regret without ‘Kiss me I’m Irish’ thongs and shamrock pasties? If I need to choose between cultural sensitivity and blacking out in an 'I Put the Double D’s in St. Paddy’s Day' crop top, pour me a shot.”
Some students are worried about the long history of discrimination against the historically marginalized Irish community. In response, the Barnard Columbia Solidarity Network created a safe space for Irish-identifying or Irish-passing students, but are worried about maintaining its sanctity after it was infiltrated by a guy with “a bunch of Irish friends, I swear,” a girl who studied abroad in Dublin, and some ginger.
Others, however, worry about the ramifications of such a debate. “If I have to stop making fun of the Irish today, what happens tomorrow?” explained a frustrated Jason Carlgen GS ’19. “An America where I can’t make fun of Slavs wearing tracksuits isn’t an America I want to live in.”
There’s also mounting concern about the appropriation of Irish culture. According to devoted campus activist Siobhan O’Connor SEAS ‘20, students will be boycotting “plastic shamrock necklaces, green headbands with springs, and those plain green shirts from Walmart you buy when you realize with panic that St. Patrick’s Day is tomorrow. Also, the kilts—oh shit, is that Scottish?”
Despite the general furor of debate across Morningside Heights, the campus bro community seemed to be in near unanimous support of respect for Irish traditions so long it wouldn’t prevent them from “gettin’ their dicks sucked.”
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Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.