Recently, The Federalist caught up with a group of campus progressives as they sat on Low Steps, relaxing after an intense day of political labor. Though most of them were too fatigued to even formulate sentences, their chief spokesman, Matt Rosen CC’18, took a few moments out of his jam-packed day to speak with the newspaper.
When asked about their contributions, Rosen sighed wearily. “Man, has our work been meaningful. Just the other day, we saved an eight-person immigrant family from deportation by walking down Fifth Avenue yelling ‘FUCK DONALD TRUMP.’ Last week, we single-handedly preserved federal Planned Parenthood funding by screen-printing ‘My Body My Choice’ onto some crop tops. And we’re well on our way to neatly resolving the Israel-Palestine conflict by slathering our laptops in BDS stickers and harassing random tourists on Low Steps.”
Such hard-hitting political activism does not come without a price, however. “After all that yelling, all of us got sore throats and needed to trek all the way to Duane Reade to buy lozenges. A bunch of my friends got carpal tunnel from putting on all those stickers, and when I was following a tour group with a ‘Divest’ sign, some eighth-grader with a calculator watch stepped on my toe and really bruised it.”
“Our work doesn’t just take a physical toll,” he continued. “Do you know how draining it can be finding a snappy Huffington Post op-ed to share every day? Do you understand how tiring it is to incorporate the word ‘marginalities’ into twenty-six different Facebook statuses? It’s not easy yelling into a 6,000-person echo chamber for twenty-four hours a day.”
Despite the struggles Rosen and his fellow progressives face, they still refuse to back down. “I shudder to think of what could have happened in the world without us here to repost NowThis Politics videos and systematically rebut problematic memes. It may be hard work, but we will never stop policing injustices as long as doing so draws attention to our social media presence.”
In Other News
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"'Bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son."
"When I finally ran into her standing in sweatpants and a boring green cardigan in front of Butler, she just looked like a mere mortal."