A little more than 100 years after Wilbur and Orville Wright sent man into the skies in flying machines, helicopter dick pilot Richard Koch has achieved an even greater feat: flying with no technology besides the rapid spinning of his own semi-erect penis.
In the footsteps of the great aeronautical pioneers, Koch faced a slew of technical and aerodynamic issues during his early test flights. At first, despite rotating his penis at rapid speeds, he only lifted about six inches before limply flopping back to the ground due to an incorrect calculation of the required hardness levels. But after consulting a rather highly enthusiastic team of scientists at NASA and making necessary phallic adjustments, he was able to fly for 15 meters in moderate wind conditions before finishing on the JFK helicopter pad, his quickly whirring penis slowing to a halt as full flaccidity returned.
“Taking flight using only the motion of your penis is really all about confidence,” Koch said. “Your first time, you might not last very long, but with more practice you’ll build up the stamina to insert yourself into a variety of aeronautical situations. You can even work out the kinks by yourself. But if you haven’t been doing your Kegels twice a day, you won’t even generate the thrust to make it out the window.”
Indeed, the groundbreaking pilot warns that fellow aeronauts should be made aware of several safety measures during their preparation. “Don’t lean back during takeoff or landing, and be aware that you can use your penis as a floatation device in case of emergency. Accidental circumcision can occur at high velocities, so be sure to securely fasten your foreskin prior to takeoff.”
Koch said he plans to put his flying abilities to good use, as he plans to employ his penis to help him beat traffic, impress his friends, and escape after one-night stands. “Never again will I arrive late to my 8:10 Lit Hum class on Hamilton 7 because of an elevator backup,” Koch gloated.
Koch added that, after some time flying solo, he plans to find some wingmen to form a flock with him. “I’m really looking forward to soaring across the skies with some bros, our penises spinning in unison at supersonic speeds,” he said. “Right now we’re just at the tip of what we’ll be able to accomplish.”
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
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"Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus."
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
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"His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”
"The problem at hand is obviously upbringing, as Manny seems to be totally unaware of the established rules governing my society."
"The freshman is now able to efficiently balance his time between understanding the ethics of Hellenistic culture, and informing all of his recent sexual partners that they should get tested."