Look at this Dad-Bod. Do you think I was just born with this flabby, misshapen torso? Do you think these love handles appeared overnight? Do you think the baby fat that’s still lingering on my cheeks and chin has remained there only by the grace of God? Are you out of your mind? I work my chubby tush off every day to maintain my totally average appearance, and you need to appreciate that.
Every day my struggle begins in Ferris, as I sit down for my breakfast of biscuits slathered in Nutella, as much bacon as I can get away with without becoming one of the kitchen staff’s stories, and a donut or seven. As I begin inhaling my balanced meal, I hear the girls at the table next to me talking about their attempts at calorie counting or flirtations with fad diet regimens. I look down at my food and sigh. For me, calorie counting isn’t just an off and on habit, it’s a religion. Those four thousand calories aren’t going to eat themselves.
In fact, for years, I have followed a strict routine of minimal dieting and even less exercise. And yet, despite all the sacrifices I’ve made, some girl’s new pressed juice cleanse is still held in higher esteem than my unwavering commitment to my current, flabby state. It’s a double standard that more in our society should recognize.
People just don’t realize that having a dad bod isn’t a one-time affair. It’s a commitment to Keystone Light and multiple sleeves of Double Stuffed. More so, it’s an unwavering devotion to feigning injuries and hiding under my bed when my friends ask me to join them at the gym. Fitness freaks won’t ever have the determination needed to sustain my BMI. They don’t know what it’s like to constantly wonder if you’ve eaten enough cheesecake this week.
Yet, though this work is both taxing and painful, I know that in the end, it will all be worth it. Because healthy-looking people don’t get that they’re running an unwinnable race. By age 30, they’ll look like me anyways.
In Other News
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.
"Coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. You gotta stay focused on winning! Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’"
"Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus."
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
"In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!"
"I thought it was frankly irresponsible that the tour guide failed to mention even one location in which my son could find himself bucking the wild white pony at 3:15pm on a Wednesday afternoon."
"His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”
"The problem at hand is obviously upbringing, as Manny seems to be totally unaware of the established rules governing my society."
"The freshman is now able to efficiently balance his time between understanding the ethics of Hellenistic culture, and informing all of his recent sexual partners that they should get tested."