In a surprise recall election, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was ousted this week in favor of a warm, buttery, crisp Reuben sandwich with perfectly melted cheese.
With one of the lowest approval ratings of any governor in recent history, Christie had been struggling to retain the support of voters, who wanted a candidate that would actually take on New Jersey’s enduring challenges. Though residents had thrown their support behind such prominent citizens as Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, the guy from Cake Boss, and a leopard-print beach towel, Christie’s worst nightmare was realized as the votes rolled in: Governor Reuben won a landslide victory to become the state’s first Toasted-American governor.
“The campaign was really vicious,” said New Jersey resident Rob Jenkins. He described a fiasco at the live debate involving Christie and the ultimate victor, during which Christie kept making eyes at the sandwich during commercial breaks and even attempted to leap across the stage and “make sweet love to it” in front of a scandalized audience.
Yet, for Governor Rueben and its voters, the taste of victory may be short-lived. Nine days after it took office, its connections to Russian dressing have sparked a widespread federal investigation.
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"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
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“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.