In a surprise recall election, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was ousted this week in favor of a warm, buttery, crisp Reuben sandwich with perfectly melted cheese.
With one of the lowest approval ratings of any governor in recent history, Christie had been struggling to retain the support of voters, who wanted a candidate that would actually take on New Jersey’s enduring challenges. Though residents had thrown their support behind such prominent citizens as Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, the guy from Cake Boss, and a leopard-print beach towel, Christie’s worst nightmare was realized as the votes rolled in: Governor Reuben won a landslide victory to become the state’s first Toasted-American governor.
“The campaign was really vicious,” said New Jersey resident Rob Jenkins. He described a fiasco at the live debate involving Christie and the ultimate victor, during which Christie kept making eyes at the sandwich during commercial breaks and even attempted to leap across the stage and “make sweet love to it” in front of a scandalized audience.
Yet, for Governor Rueben and its voters, the taste of victory may be short-lived. Nine days after it took office, its connections to Russian dressing have sparked a widespread federal investigation.
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"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside Park.
While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."