In a surprise recall election, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was ousted this week in favor of a warm, buttery, crisp Reuben sandwich with perfectly melted cheese.
With one of the lowest approval ratings of any governor in recent history, Christie had been struggling to retain the support of voters, who wanted a candidate that would actually take on New Jersey’s enduring challenges. Though residents had thrown their support behind such prominent citizens as Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, the guy from Cake Boss, and a leopard-print beach towel, Christie’s worst nightmare was realized as the votes rolled in: Governor Reuben won a landslide victory to become the state’s first Toasted-American governor.
“The campaign was really vicious,” said New Jersey resident Rob Jenkins. He described a fiasco at the live debate involving Christie and the ultimate victor, during which Christie kept making eyes at the sandwich during commercial breaks and even attempted to leap across the stage and “make sweet love to it” in front of a scandalized audience.
Yet, for Governor Rueben and its voters, the taste of victory may be short-lived. Nine days after it took office, its connections to Russian dressing have sparked a widespread federal investigation.
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"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.
"Coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. You gotta stay focused on winning! Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’"
"Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus."
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
"In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!"
"I thought it was frankly irresponsible that the tour guide failed to mention even one location in which my son could find himself bucking the wild white pony at 3:15pm on a Wednesday afternoon."
"His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”
"The problem at hand is obviously upbringing, as Manny seems to be totally unaware of the established rules governing my society."
"The freshman is now able to efficiently balance his time between understanding the ethics of Hellenistic culture, and informing all of his recent sexual partners that they should get tested."