In a surprise recall election, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was ousted this week in favor of a warm, buttery, crisp Reuben sandwich with perfectly melted cheese.
With one of the lowest approval ratings of any governor in recent history, Christie had been struggling to retain the support of voters, who wanted a candidate that would actually take on New Jersey’s enduring challenges. Though residents had thrown their support behind such prominent citizens as Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, the guy from Cake Boss, and a leopard-print beach towel, Christie’s worst nightmare was realized as the votes rolled in: Governor Reuben won a landslide victory to become the state’s first Toasted-American governor.
“The campaign was really vicious,” said New Jersey resident Rob Jenkins. He described a fiasco at the live debate involving Christie and the ultimate victor, during which Christie kept making eyes at the sandwich during commercial breaks and even attempted to leap across the stage and “make sweet love to it” in front of a scandalized audience.
Yet, for Governor Rueben and its voters, the taste of victory may be short-lived. Nine days after it took office, its connections to Russian dressing have sparked a widespread federal investigation.
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For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”.
He did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.
“I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’”
“From the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”
“Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks,” said an advisor at the student life department.
“As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”
“For some reason, students seemed dissatisfied with our nonexistent appointment times, emotionally unavailable staff, and imposing bureaucratic system.”
“Going to school in Manhattan guarantees a jam-packed schedule of posing for group pictures, spending $300 on bottle service, and Juuling on the Le Bain terrace.”
“I know it’s totally quirky to like a film star from the fifties, but Audrey is just such a fashion icon.”