In response to criticism of Columbia’s handling of mental health crises on campus, President Bollinger has announced a new mental health initiative the administration has dubbed “Transfer to Brown.”
“Mental health is a top priority here at Columbia, and we want to do everything in our power to ensure that students here are happy,” said Bollinger, “but we realize how hard it is to facilitate a positive campus environment. For that reason, we feel that our saddest students should just go somewhere else, namely Rhode Island.”
Hailing the initiative as a “major step in the right direction,” Bollinger explained that the plan’s simplicity is the key to its success. CPS counselors will start by creating Common App accounts for despondent students, and will then encourage them to fill it out by reminding them that college is actually fun at other schools.
While some critics worry that students who haven’t visited the school might be intimidated by the “Why Brown?” writing supplement, Bollinger stressed that the Brown admissions committee expects only a moderate degree of literacy, and that applications will be reviewed on a pass/fail basis.
Participating students will be provided with an Amtrak ticket to Providence and as much medication as they need to spend a half hour in Penn Station. Upon arrival, program participants will receive an engraved Brown University bong, readily available for purchase at the university bookstore for $39.95.
“We really want to get out in front of this one,” said Bollinger. “Nothing is more important to us than the health of our students, so we will use any means necessary to get rid of the unhealthy ones.”
In Other News
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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