In response to criticism of Columbia’s handling of mental health crises on campus, President Bollinger has announced a new mental health initiative the administration has dubbed “Transfer to Brown.”
“Mental health is a top priority here at Columbia, and we want to do everything in our power to ensure that students here are happy,” said Bollinger, “but we realize how hard it is to facilitate a positive campus environment. For that reason, we feel that our saddest students should just go somewhere else, namely Rhode Island.”
Hailing the initiative as a “major step in the right direction,” Bollinger explained that the plan’s simplicity is the key to its success. CPS counselors will start by creating Common App accounts for despondent students, and will then encourage them to fill it out by reminding them that college is actually fun at other schools.
While some critics worry that students who haven’t visited the school might be intimidated by the “Why Brown?” writing supplement, Bollinger stressed that the Brown admissions committee expects only a moderate degree of literacy, and that applications will be reviewed on a pass/fail basis.
Participating students will be provided with an Amtrak ticket to Providence and as much medication as they need to spend a half hour in Penn Station. Upon arrival, program participants will receive an engraved Brown University bong, readily available for purchase at the university bookstore for $39.95.
“We really want to get out in front of this one,” said Bollinger. “Nothing is more important to us than the health of our students, so we will use any means necessary to get rid of the unhealthy ones.”
In Other News
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"'Bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son."
"When I finally ran into her standing in sweatpants and a boring green cardigan in front of Butler, she just looked like a mere mortal."
Flipping water bottles doesn’t need to oppress women like it does now.
“I’m getting real tired of this salad shit. Can someone drop me a fucking burger?”
"That little mutt has been dead as a doornail for years."