SOME FINANCE CLUB MEETING, HAMILTON – When he was growing up in Greenwich, Brad Danforth CC ’19 always expected that he would be a banker. “My parents and all their friends were either in finance or consulting. I never realized that you could be interested in both - it seemed unnatural.”
Danforth’s experimentation at Columbia, however, has made him question his career path. “I first started getting in touch with my feelings when a Bain intern pulled me aside at an EC party and asked if I’d like to do a coffee chat,” he said. “And things really started to change as I met more consultants on campus and realized that their lifestyle might be what I’ve been looking for all along. I always just assumed I would work at Morgan Stanley, but recently I’ve been dreaming about McKinsey.”
“I guess that’s just what happens when you move to the big city,” Danforth continued. “You open up to whole new ways of being wealthy and boring you never even knew existed.”
Though Danforth worries that his parents will not be accepting of his career choices, he thinks it is time he shares his confusion over his pre-professional desires. “I’m going to bring a case study home with me over spring break,” he explained. “Maybe if they get to know it, and see how much I love it, they’ll understand. I think at the end of the day, they just want me to be happy, no matter what high-paying job I pretend to love.”
As of press time, Danforth was seen swiping through potential coworkers’ LinkedIn profiles.
In Other News
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”