VATICAN CITY – The Catholic Church may canonize Milano’s divine M11 sandwich, a Vatican spokesman announced this week. The news overjoyed Milano’s large community of portly devotees, who often swear by deeply spiritual experiences.
The sandwich, which contains poached salmon, fresh squeezed lemon, tomato, roasted peppers, red onion, and capers—all on a rustic seven grain country loaf—has affectionately tended to the hungry for decades.
“If Mother Teresa can be a saint, so can this sandwich,” said Cardinal Timothy Dolan. “I managed to cram both halves into my stomach. That’s two miracles right there.”
Analysts believe that the M11 will be fast-tracked to sainthood along with Pope John Paul II, though a small faction is urging the Church to look more closely at the works of the H17 as well.
Though it’s rumored that Saint Augustine himself gave the sandwich five stars in City of God, no one has gotten through enough of the work to know for sure.
In Other News
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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