After over 100 years of data-collection, the Columbia administration finally disproved evolution by demonstrating that Columbia freshmen showed no intellectual development across generations. The BBC is calling it “the most ambitious and comprehensive study on evolutionary neurobiology ever undertaken.”
The study compiled observational data from groups including core professors, RAs, NSOP leaders, dorm security guards, and liquor store cashiers. When asked what she found most striking about the study, Ivana Hughes, Director of Frontiers of Science, said, “We were surprised to find little-to-no statistical change in the level of idiotic bullshit freshman say and do at this school over time. If anything, data suggests that these little fuckers are actually getting dumber with every passing year.”
Hughes also revealed that the research was prompted by the unearthing of several documents written by early 20th Century Columbians, including telegrams by undergrads that read, “you up?” and “you’re gonna wanna get checked lmao sorry.”
The behavioral scientists cite an annual recurrence rate of 83% for Spectator op-eds calling the administration “biased” or “problematic,” and 92% for those pledging color-blindness, as irrevocable proof of their disruptive claims.
Evolutionary biologists everywhere are now being forced to reexamine their own findings due to the sheer weight of Columbia’s evidence. Asked what the University might use a $10 million Breakthrough Prize for, President Bollinger announced further efforts to study the nature of erectile dysfunction in the Jewish Theological Seminary.
In Other News
I was trying to listen when you talked to me about your grandmother’s tragic passing from pneumonia, but frankly, it just didn’t draw me in.
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"Also, impending North Korean nuclear annihilation."
"We wish that we had not framed our Tamagotchi as an accessory to a triple homicide so as to relieve ourselves of the responsibilities of parenthood."
"Wont thy scuchmachine to chinwagin me, yon the babe gosling (UUUWK kweouk UUUWK kweouk?) roasts sur the cripplecrappletendercackle and we setten."
In the coming months, Columbians will finally have something to fill the orange-chicken-sized hole in their hearts.
"I am so disturbed by these recent developments within our school environment that I may transfer to a college where the football team still sucks, like Cornell."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"Society makes people bad, but more like, cheat-on-your-spouse bad – not Sean-level bad."
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."