Shut up, Mom!
I’m sorry, Mom, but I’m a little busy reading the latest issue of Kerrang.
Oh, so now all of a sudden time is important to you? Time is just a construct, anyway.
What are you talking about, Mom? It’s naturally green! And for your information, the shade is ‘electric mucus’.
I see all the fakeness of people like you that I need, even if I need to keep brushing to the side of my face!
Oh yeah? Well, I’d rather have these tight pants than subscribe to your tight-ass morals!
For the last time, Blink-182 aren’t emo, they’re pop punk. God, Mom.
No way! My gauges are where I keep my pet gecko Gerard. I’m not letting anyone get near him!
Sorry to disappoint, Mom, but I’m not just some fucking sell-out conformist like you!
Fine, do it! It’ll give him a reason to come home and talk to me for once!
HELP! GERARD IS STUCK IN MY EARLOBE!
Emo is Just a Phase
We have to talk. This “emo” style of yours is getting ridiculous. You know it’s just a phase, right?
Excuse me, but we are having this conversation now young lady, not later.
You don’t believe me now, but one day you won’t think your green hair is so cool anymore.
There’s just no way you can see with your hair over your eyes like that.
How can you be comfortable in those pants? They’re the tightest skinny jeans I’ve ever seen!
You can’t be emo forever. How do you expect to get a job if you stay holed up in your room listening to Blink-182?
I don’t care what genre they are. But at least see a doctor. I think your gauges are infecting your ear lobes.
Jesus, why can’t you be a normal person your age and spend your time masturbating and looking at memes?
You’re being ridiculous. If you keep this up, I’m going to get your father involved.
All right, you win. If you hate your doting parents so much then just run away. Go and leave home, I won't go after you.
In Other News
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”
“Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens.”
“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.
“I want to be forthright. Yes, as Dining Director of John Jay, I made a deal with Big Bean, just like Ferris signed exclusivity agreements with Inedible Broccoli and Lukewarm Yogurt,” he said in a statement.
“Three weeks went by, and not a word from anyone. Just yesterday I received an email from President Bollinger telling me to ‘keep up the great work!’”, said Columbia Housing Executive Director Joyce Jackson.
Perhaps the union is being selfish. Why should their right to proper compensation and treatment as employees supercede my mild curiosity as to what would happen without TAs to proctor my exam?
In response to the news, Associate Director of Residential Life Scott Helfrich told the Federalist: “The safety of our undergraduate students is our top concern. But if students decide to act irresponsibly and binge-drink in their dorms, it isn’t our fault that they’re lightweights.”
Thorpe’s fingers finally gave out, breaking last week in the middle of ADP Open Mic Night. Doctors speculate that significant damage was also incurred during his favorite class, Literature and Intersectional Feminism.
In the beginning of March in her sophomore year, she has scheduled an existential meltdown about her direction in life."