Shut up, Mom!
I’m sorry, Mom, but I’m a little busy reading the latest issue of Kerrang.
Oh, so now all of a sudden time is important to you? Time is just a construct, anyway.
What are you talking about, Mom? It’s naturally green! And for your information, the shade is ‘electric mucus’.
I see all the fakeness of people like you that I need, even if I need to keep brushing to the side of my face!
Oh yeah? Well, I’d rather have these tight pants than subscribe to your tight-ass morals!
For the last time, Blink-182 aren’t emo, they’re pop punk. God, Mom.
No way! My gauges are where I keep my pet gecko Gerard. I’m not letting anyone get near him!
Sorry to disappoint, Mom, but I’m not just some fucking sell-out conformist like you!
Fine, do it! It’ll give him a reason to come home and talk to me for once!
HELP! GERARD IS STUCK IN MY EARLOBE!
Emo is Just a Phase
We have to talk. This “emo” style of yours is getting ridiculous. You know it’s just a phase, right?
Excuse me, but we are having this conversation now young lady, not later.
You don’t believe me now, but one day you won’t think your green hair is so cool anymore.
There’s just no way you can see with your hair over your eyes like that.
How can you be comfortable in those pants? They’re the tightest skinny jeans I’ve ever seen!
You can’t be emo forever. How do you expect to get a job if you stay holed up in your room listening to Blink-182?
I don’t care what genre they are. But at least see a doctor. I think your gauges are infecting your ear lobes.
Jesus, why can’t you be a normal person your age and spend your time masturbating and looking at memes?
You’re being ridiculous. If you keep this up, I’m going to get your father involved.
All right, you win. If you hate your doting parents so much then just run away. Go and leave home, I won't go after you.
In Other News
She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”
“He just looks so thin and pale in his facestagrams that I knew I had to give him his own mother’s medicine: my famous Latkes!” Marsha said.