Shut up, Mom!
I’m sorry, Mom, but I’m a little busy reading the latest issue of Kerrang.
Oh, so now all of a sudden time is important to you? Time is just a construct, anyway.
What are you talking about, Mom? It’s naturally green! And for your information, the shade is ‘electric mucus’.
I see all the fakeness of people like you that I need, even if I need to keep brushing to the side of my face!
Oh yeah? Well, I’d rather have these tight pants than subscribe to your tight-ass morals!
For the last time, Blink-182 aren’t emo, they’re pop punk. God, Mom.
No way! My gauges are where I keep my pet gecko Gerard. I’m not letting anyone get near him!
Sorry to disappoint, Mom, but I’m not just some fucking sell-out conformist like you!
Fine, do it! It’ll give him a reason to come home and talk to me for once!
HELP! GERARD IS STUCK IN MY EARLOBE!
Emo is Just a Phase
We have to talk. This “emo” style of yours is getting ridiculous. You know it’s just a phase, right?
Excuse me, but we are having this conversation now young lady, not later.
You don’t believe me now, but one day you won’t think your green hair is so cool anymore.
There’s just no way you can see with your hair over your eyes like that.
How can you be comfortable in those pants? They’re the tightest skinny jeans I’ve ever seen!
You can’t be emo forever. How do you expect to get a job if you stay holed up in your room listening to Blink-182?
I don’t care what genre they are. But at least see a doctor. I think your gauges are infecting your ear lobes.
Jesus, why can’t you be a normal person your age and spend your time masturbating and looking at memes?
You’re being ridiculous. If you keep this up, I’m going to get your father involved.
All right, you win. If you hate your doting parents so much then just run away. Go and leave home, I won't go after you.
In Other News
The news has been met with excitement from Columbia students, especially given that Beto acts as one of few pieces of living evidence that the Columbia Men’s Rowing Team can, in fact, produce a principled member of society.
Professors in the Columbia Department of Economics confirmed that according to their research, the only product that can be morally consumed under our current economic system is the asshole of an acquaintance.
“Got a sock,” said Montás in disbelief. “President threw it, and Montás caught it, and Montás—Montás is free.”
“I probably should have known something was up when I entered and didn’t even check in with a human, just a slimy iPad from 2008.”
“We’re going all out to ensure that every sad boi finds his sad non-gendered partner this Valentine’s Day.”
If this journey has taught me anything, it is that I mustn't change who I am to find love with a future Goldman Sachs managing director. Instead, I must transfer to Barnard. Maybe then I’ll have a better shot.
“I’m an ally. I’m trying to create a better brand for this movement, one that better complies with established grammar rules.”
The snake is reportedly cash-green and vaguely slimy-looking, with an Apple watch still attached to its body.
“Robin was such a grinder,” said his roommate Tag Eisenhower CC’ 20. “For as long as I knew him he would put his body through absolute hell simply because he didn’t possess a single shred of planning or basic organization.”
He was also spotted with a few of his Lit Hum books in his backpack, a clear indication he is planning to study those too, like a massive dork.