Moving one’s bowels is like real estate—it’s all about location, location, location! Through my extensive patronage of some of the hottest locales on campus, I’ve reviewed all the toilets, chamber pots, and sink drains to provide inquisitive readers with the most useful information about Columbia’s campus—that is, where to do your #2.
10. Your RA’s Mouth
Sammy is ALWAYS available and loves to talk. Stop in during Sammy’s on-duty hours and plop a fat shit right in her fucking mouth. Super cool! Not like other RA’s. And she’ll just be glad you’re finally doing your connect conversation.
When you have an emergency, nothing helps more than running up or down a few flights of stairs. Literally anywhere in Hamilton is a great place to shit. If you have time, try waiting in line for the elevator; the upholstery inside is the perfect place to release the bullshit you’ve been swallowing during the entire Core Curriculum.
8. Your spot in Butler
Tired of people moving your textbooks when you leave them there for 9 hours at a time? Show them who’s boss by dropping your earth’s bounty right in the middle of your table in 209. Don’t try this in Avery. People will just assume it’s an art installation.
Your boy always has always got you! Classic Dusty. I love that fucker. Why does he live off campus, though? He must have money—all the more reason to pop a squat and let him pay for the cleanup.
6. Spec’s Submissions Box
Content is really running low for this cycle. Be a Good Samaritan and help raise the quality of another on-campus publication. They’ll print it on their op-ed pages tomorrow.
5. On me.
Don’t knock it 'til you try it. Please. Note: I’m allergic to gluten.
4. Ferris Booth
Nobody will notice if you stick it right in the Goat Curry. It tastes like White Man anyways.
3. Your parents’ checking account
You already soiled it when you chose to spend 80k a year “learning how to learn.” If no stall is available, also consider taking a shit right onto your father’s good name. Should’ve gone to Yale.
2. Entrance of Pupin
It’s a pun. Laugh, please.
For maximum comfort, just hold it until break. Show your parents all that you’ve taken in this semester.
In Other News
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"When I finally ran into her standing in sweatpants and a boring green cardigan in front of Butler, she just looked like a mere mortal."