RAQQA - In response to recent complaints from the far-left subset of the Jihadist community, the Islamic State has committed to giving trigger warnings before all future executions. In a public video announcing the new policy, two masked, AK-47-wielding men announced: “ISIS is an organization committed to establishing a Caliphate, and we do not intend to offend anyone in the process. We recognize that many people have experienced trauma in the past, whether that means they have been the victim of relentless microagressions or have narrowly escaped a kidnapping on the border of Iraq and Syria and been forced to leave their wife behind, only to watch a piece of her neck fly off like a projectile and stick right to the camera in an execution video months later on Twitter. Regardless of the nature of said trauma, we do not wish to exacerbate it, and trigger warnings should keep us from doing so.”
The announcement followed complaints from people around the world about the graphic nature of the beheading videos. One American expat living in a remote Syrian cave said on Twitter, “Before my kids see the execution videos, I need to explain to them why the blood of infidels needs to be spilled to rid the world of their pestilence. Without a trigger warning, they have no way of knowing when a British journalist is about to have his guts spilled out onto the desert floor.
For what it’s worth, the American far-left has commended ISIS for its progressive decision. One Columbia student, Katie Jacobs, conveyed such optimism: “This is really a major step in the right direction, and I look forward to seeing what the future holds – fewer bombings of civilian territories, maybe, or, if we’re lucky, even an increased recognition of intersectional male cis-het Sunni identities.”
IN OTHER NEWS
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."
"Approach the first hot girl you see, taking the shortest path possible—use Dijkstra’s algorithm here if necessary."