A viral post-inauguration tweet by a White House employee sparked outrage when it was picked up by Buzzfeed and other outlets last week. The tweet contained several wildly false claims about the election, citing a series of statistics which failed to live up to the standards the White House expects of its executive staff. Even after being disciplined by several senior officials with a vigorous time out, the employee refused to delete the tweet, and continued tweeting late into the night.
Upon further investigation, The Federalist discovered that the employee had previously tweeted similarly incendiary content. Past tweets included personal attacks on Washington officials, celebrities, and random citizens from Indiana, conspiracy theories, racially offensive and misogynistic messages,attempts to discredit major media organizations, and, most shockingly, a description of Meryl Streep as “over-rated.”
Online petitioners from around the nation immediately called for his firing, stating the belief that this Twitter post had simply gone too far.
The employee’s name will not be publicly released. Aides close to the West Wing tell us that his duties have been suspended until further notice. As of press time, Jared Kushner will be assuming the staffer’s duties.
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For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”.
He did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.
“I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’”
“From the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”
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“For some reason, students seemed dissatisfied with our nonexistent appointment times, emotionally unavailable staff, and imposing bureaucratic system.”
“Going to school in Manhattan guarantees a jam-packed schedule of posing for group pictures, spending $300 on bottle service, and Juuling on the Le Bain terrace.”
“I know it’s totally quirky to like a film star from the fifties, but Audrey is just such a fashion icon.”