A viral post-inauguration tweet by a White House employee sparked outrage when it was picked up by Buzzfeed and other outlets last week. The tweet contained several wildly false claims about the election, citing a series of statistics which failed to live up to the standards the White House expects of its executive staff. Even after being disciplined by several senior officials with a vigorous time out, the employee refused to delete the tweet, and continued tweeting late into the night.
Upon further investigation, The Federalist discovered that the employee had previously tweeted similarly incendiary content. Past tweets included personal attacks on Washington officials, celebrities, and random citizens from Indiana, conspiracy theories, racially offensive and misogynistic messages,attempts to discredit major media organizations, and, most shockingly, a description of Meryl Streep as “over-rated.”
Online petitioners from around the nation immediately called for his firing, stating the belief that this Twitter post had simply gone too far.
The employee’s name will not be publicly released. Aides close to the West Wing tell us that his duties have been suspended until further notice. As of press time, Jared Kushner will be assuming the staffer’s duties.
In Other News
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.
"Coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. You gotta stay focused on winning! Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’"
"Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus."
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
"In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!"
"I thought it was frankly irresponsible that the tour guide failed to mention even one location in which my son could find himself bucking the wild white pony at 3:15pm on a Wednesday afternoon."
"His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”
"The problem at hand is obviously upbringing, as Manny seems to be totally unaware of the established rules governing my society."
"The freshman is now able to efficiently balance his time between understanding the ethics of Hellenistic culture, and informing all of his recent sexual partners that they should get tested."