By Gary Bernard
Hello, my name is Gary. It’s awfully nice to make your acquaintance. But I’m afraid we may already off to a bad start, as I must admit have some unfortunate news. I regret to inform you that I am your valentine.
This has been a difficult cuffing season for all of us, and I hope you’ll believe me when I tell you that this wasn’t an easy decision, but was rather the result of serious and careful deliberation. I’m sure you know there are a ton of great guys out there who would be thrilled to have the chance to date someone like you. Unfortunately, none of them are your valentine; I am.
I’m sure this news will be met with disappointment. If it’s any consolation, I give a halfway-decent foot rub (though I do have to stop after about three minutes on account of my rheumatoid arthritis). I say we just try and get through it so we can both get back to our regular lives.
Please understand that our Valentine’s plans are final.
My Sincerest Apologies.
In Other News
“The union representative also strongly urged the purchase of 2-liters of Coca-Cola, Sierra Mist, and Hi-C Tropical Punch for each party.”
“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”
“What are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, stay out of the tunnels. We cannot stress enough how horny these Super Bats are.”
A Fed article by Sappho.
ANTH4001: HE’S GOT YOUR EYES: BASTARD CHILDREN AND BEYOND: Topics covered will include: burner phones, child support, contraceptive methods, and Zoloft.
At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market."
"You have the audacity to pull out your 10 page long CC paper and staple it as if you explicitly mean to torture me."
"After almost a year of listening to protesters chanting ‘Where’s Lee Bollinger’ on the steps outside my office, I realized they had a point. I wasn’t where I should be: on their side. It was a humbling moment.”