By Gary Bernard
Hello, my name is Gary. It’s awfully nice to make your acquaintance. But I’m afraid we may already off to a bad start, as I must admit have some unfortunate news. I regret to inform you that I am your valentine.
This has been a difficult cuffing season for all of us, and I hope you’ll believe me when I tell you that this wasn’t an easy decision, but was rather the result of serious and careful deliberation. I’m sure you know there are a ton of great guys out there who would be thrilled to have the chance to date someone like you. Unfortunately, none of them are your valentine; I am.
I’m sure this news will be met with disappointment. If it’s any consolation, I give a halfway-decent foot rub (though I do have to stop after about three minutes on account of my rheumatoid arthritis). I say we just try and get through it so we can both get back to our regular lives.
Please understand that our Valentine’s plans are final.
My Sincerest Apologies.
In Other News
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.
"Coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. You gotta stay focused on winning! Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’"
"Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus."
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
"In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!"
"I thought it was frankly irresponsible that the tour guide failed to mention even one location in which my son could find himself bucking the wild white pony at 3:15pm on a Wednesday afternoon."
"His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”
"The problem at hand is obviously upbringing, as Manny seems to be totally unaware of the established rules governing my society."
"The freshman is now able to efficiently balance his time between understanding the ethics of Hellenistic culture, and informing all of his recent sexual partners that they should get tested."