By Gary Bernard
Hello, my name is Gary. It’s awfully nice to make your acquaintance. But I’m afraid we may already off to a bad start, as I must admit have some unfortunate news. I regret to inform you that I am your valentine.
This has been a difficult cuffing season for all of us, and I hope you’ll believe me when I tell you that this wasn’t an easy decision, but was rather the result of serious and careful deliberation. I’m sure you know there are a ton of great guys out there who would be thrilled to have the chance to date someone like you. Unfortunately, none of them are your valentine; I am.
I’m sure this news will be met with disappointment. If it’s any consolation, I give a halfway-decent foot rub (though I do have to stop after about three minutes on account of my rheumatoid arthritis). I say we just try and get through it so we can both get back to our regular lives.
Please understand that our Valentine’s plans are final.
My Sincerest Apologies.
In Other News
"Hey Dad, it's me - Brian. Would you potentially be free later this week for a coffee chat?"
"His name is Poncho Firedust, and I need him to feel safe," demanded the 67-year-old chemistry professor.
“Admitting Frank into the undergraduate body goes against this university's principles. That kid fucking sucks.”
Joe began to laugh. “Who is Willy Valentini? Only the Dean of Columbia, the mad genius who keeps this whole place running!"
"After all, he was pretty sure that they have the exact same nutritional content as regular cucumbers. Probably right? Doesn't matter."
According to witnesses, the last words he uttered before chugging his sixth Bud Light and stumbling out the door were, “Imma bout to send it.”
"In the absence of any real personality, our midwestern students sometimes struggle to find their niche on campus, and must resort to misguidedly boasting about their native climate."
"All this time I was talking about rabbis, but he was thinking about priests?”
"I’ve always been torn between my love of Gertrude Stein and weirdly shaped plants. But now I don’t have to be.”
"There were at least 90 virgins in that room, so I do feel like I got some decent value.”