By Ricardo Mumalo
Um, so this is a bit awkward. Usually I’m of the mind to wait-and-see, quiet-and-listen, stop-and-frisk. But, from what I’ve read, things are a bit rough down in D.C., and I am not so sure that Donald Trump is going to be a good president.
I’ll admit, I was pretty excited when I first saw him come down that big escalator in his building. He waved a bit like that British queen, and they’re doing great over there! Then a lot of the stuff I heard him say made sense to me. A lot of those Mexican Chipotles have opened up in my town over the last five years, taking the place of good old-fashioned American Taco Bells. And I definitely don’t think people we know are going to bomb us should come to our country. That just doesn’t make sense.
I really didn’t like Hillary, either. What was she trying to prove by wearing those woman suits? Like, we know you’re a woman, stop trying to fool us into thinking you’re a guy. Then she had those e-mails that were secret, and Trump pointed out that she was the most corrupt candidate ever. Listen, if it swims like a duck, smells like a duck, has flippers like a duck, then it probably also waddles like a duck. Too bad Hillary Clinton isn’t a duck though. I would have voted for her then.
So, I voted for Trump, and I was super happy. But this week, he has done some super shifty stuff. Like, although I wasn’t thrilled about it, I got Obamacare because the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t have dental insurance. And, I’m supposed to get a filling in a few weeks, but now Trump is saying that I won’t be able to. So that’s not really cool, and is not a good sign in my opinion. I don’t think he should outlaw the dentist.
Look, if I had to guess, Trump’s going to turn it around. You don’t just build a huge, unfailing business empire without learning how to fix problems. But for the time being, I’m a little bit worried that he is not going to be super great at being president.
Also I just realized this but didn’t he molest someone or something?
In Other News
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."
"Approach the first hot girl you see, taking the shortest path possible—use Dijkstra’s algorithm here if necessary."
"I'm submitting my piece into the veritable marketplace of ideas, where everyone will applaud me for my bravery and insight."