By Ricardo Mumalo
Um, so this is a bit awkward. Usually I’m of the mind to wait-and-see, quiet-and-listen, stop-and-frisk. But, from what I’ve read, things are a bit rough down in D.C., and I am not so sure that Donald Trump is going to be a good president.
I’ll admit, I was pretty excited when I first saw him come down that big escalator in his building. He waved a bit like that British queen, and they’re doing great over there! Then a lot of the stuff I heard him say made sense to me. A lot of those Mexican Chipotles have opened up in my town over the last five years, taking the place of good old-fashioned American Taco Bells. And I definitely don’t think people we know are going to bomb us should come to our country. That just doesn’t make sense.
I really didn’t like Hillary, either. What was she trying to prove by wearing those woman suits? Like, we know you’re a woman, stop trying to fool us into thinking you’re a guy. Then she had those e-mails that were secret, and Trump pointed out that she was the most corrupt candidate ever. Listen, if it swims like a duck, smells like a duck, has flippers like a duck, then it probably also waddles like a duck. Too bad Hillary Clinton isn’t a duck though. I would have voted for her then.
So, I voted for Trump, and I was super happy. But this week, he has done some super shifty stuff. Like, although I wasn’t thrilled about it, I got Obamacare because the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t have dental insurance. And, I’m supposed to get a filling in a few weeks, but now Trump is saying that I won’t be able to. So that’s not really cool, and is not a good sign in my opinion. I don’t think he should outlaw the dentist.
Look, if I had to guess, Trump’s going to turn it around. You don’t just build a huge, unfailing business empire without learning how to fix problems. But for the time being, I’m a little bit worried that he is not going to be super great at being president.
Also I just realized this but didn’t he molest someone or something?
In Other News
“What the hell am I supposed to tell people…‘I'm from the Northeast'? Like I’m just gonna lump Rhode Island in there too? Jesus Christ.”
"As of press time, a full four minutes after class was supposed to end, Timmons was seen transitioning into an involved monologue about the finer points of Thucydides’ sexuality."
"At first I thought it was strange that he seemed to be tuning the piano, which seemed to be in working condition; but real Hell broke loose when we realized the doors were locked."
"It’s time for us to start including people from all walks of life: Kyle's, Anderson's, maybe even a Quinn if we’re feeling adventurous. Literally just one person that isn’t named Dylan. That’d be ill.”
"We looked into each other’s eyes, and then we both knew, just like that. It felt so natural. It was a really special moment.”
"President Bollinger has already announced a rare Monday holiday to commemorate the student's brave achievement."
"Items found at the scene included a copy of Walter Benjamin’s Illuminations, 15 pairs of rose-colored sunglasses, five inflatable palm trees (deflated), three Pax vaporizers, and a bust of David."
"Gutierrez is currently accepting students for his four-hour seminar entitled 'How to Intersperse Sophisticated Words to Augment Your Intellectual Comportment.' It takes place on Sunday, October 14th from 2–5 p.m. in the Carman basement lounge."
"Bruce Portnoy CC '20 has fully embraced an existence stripped of any enjoyment, spending hours upon hours in his room, loudly wishing those in the Floor Lounge 'would just stop it.'"
"I downloaded the app, uploaded a picture of my abs, and soon enough my FroSci teacher was asking if I was circumcised!”