Congratulations to Neil Gorsuch CC ‘88 on his nomination to the Supreme Court. The nomination renders Gorsuch the Fed’s first alumnus to land a job interview, except for the one guy who got a call back for that audition to dress up as Elmo in Times Square.
We would like to thank Judge Gorsuch for his continued support and blanket endorsement of all of our published work. For the past 30 years, Gorsuch has been an integral member of the Feditorial Board. Though he has busied himself with shallow legal pursuits, Gorsuch has always found time to contribute to our award-winning investigative journalism.
Gorsuch’s post-Fed career, though not as meaningful as his work with the newspaper, has included some noteworthy highlights. We are particularly proud of his decision to support Hobby Lobby in Burwell v. Hobby Lobby Stores. While we at the Fed have a few strong opinions about the gays, we support any action that chips away at Michaels' monopoly on the crafting industry.
Judge Gorsuch’s record speaks for itself. His stance on euthanasia, as detailed in his in his book, the Future of Assisted Suicide and Euthanasia is a prime example of his level headed thinking. Though we have not taken the time to read it, the title is pretty fun. In addition, while Mr. Gorsuch has yet to decide an affirmative action case, we know that, regardless of his position, he will be no less of a disappointment to President Bollinger than we are.
We at the Fed are confident that Mr. Gorsuch will uphold our Founding Fathers’ intended discriminations, and that Merrick Garland’s voodoo doll of him won’t stand in the way of his confirmation.
We wish him the best of luck in his efforts to move out of Denver.
IN OTHER NEWS
He was also spotted with a few of his Lit Hum books in his backpack, a clear indication he is planning to study those too, like a massive dork.
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”
“Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens.”
“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.
“I want to be forthright. Yes, as Dining Director of John Jay, I made a deal with Big Bean, just like Ferris signed exclusivity agreements with Inedible Broccoli and Lukewarm Yogurt,” he said in a statement.
“Three weeks went by, and not a word from anyone. Just yesterday I received an email from President Bollinger telling me to ‘keep up the great work!’”, said Columbia Housing Executive Director Joyce Jackson.
Perhaps the union is being selfish. Why should their right to proper compensation and treatment as employees supercede my mild curiosity as to what would happen without TAs to proctor my exam?
In response to the news, Associate Director of Residential Life Scott Helfrich told the Federalist: “The safety of our undergraduate students is our top concern. But if students decide to act irresponsibly and binge-drink in their dorms, it isn’t our fault that they’re lightweights.”
Thorpe’s fingers finally gave out, breaking last week in the middle of ADP Open Mic Night. Doctors speculate that significant damage was also incurred during his favorite class, Literature and Intersectional Feminism.