Congratulations to Neil Gorsuch CC ‘88 on his nomination to the Supreme Court. The nomination renders Gorsuch the Fed’s first alumnus to land a job interview, except for the one guy who got a call back for that audition to dress up as Elmo in Times Square.
We would like to thank Judge Gorsuch for his continued support and blanket endorsement of all of our published work. For the past 30 years, Gorsuch has been an integral member of the Feditorial Board. Though he has busied himself with shallow legal pursuits, Gorsuch has always found time to contribute to our award-winning investigative journalism.
Gorsuch’s post-Fed career, though not as meaningful as his work with the newspaper, has included some noteworthy highlights. We are particularly proud of his decision to support Hobby Lobby in Burwell v. Hobby Lobby Stores. While we at the Fed have a few strong opinions about the gays, we support any action that chips away at Michaels' monopoly on the crafting industry.
Judge Gorsuch’s record speaks for itself. His stance on euthanasia, as detailed in his in his book, the Future of Assisted Suicide and Euthanasia is a prime example of his level headed thinking. Though we have not taken the time to read it, the title is pretty fun. In addition, while Mr. Gorsuch has yet to decide an affirmative action case, we know that, regardless of his position, he will be no less of a disappointment to President Bollinger than we are.
We at the Fed are confident that Mr. Gorsuch will uphold our Founding Fathers’ intended discriminations, and that Merrick Garland’s voodoo doll of him won’t stand in the way of his confirmation.
We wish him the best of luck in his efforts to move out of Denver.
IN OTHER NEWS
“What the hell am I supposed to tell people…‘I'm from the Northeast'? Like I’m just gonna lump Rhode Island in there too? Jesus Christ.”
"As of press time, a full four minutes after class was supposed to end, Timmons was seen transitioning into an involved monologue about the finer points of Thucydides’ sexuality."
"At first I thought it was strange that he seemed to be tuning the piano, which seemed to be in working condition; but real Hell broke loose when we realized the doors were locked."
"It’s time for us to start including people from all walks of life: Kyle's, Anderson's, maybe even a Quinn if we’re feeling adventurous. Literally just one person that isn’t named Dylan. That’d be ill.”
"We looked into each other’s eyes, and then we both knew, just like that. It felt so natural. It was a really special moment.”
"President Bollinger has already announced a rare Monday holiday to commemorate the student's brave achievement."
"Items found at the scene included a copy of Walter Benjamin’s Illuminations, 15 pairs of rose-colored sunglasses, five inflatable palm trees (deflated), three Pax vaporizers, and a bust of David."
"Gutierrez is currently accepting students for his four-hour seminar entitled 'How to Intersperse Sophisticated Words to Augment Your Intellectual Comportment.' It takes place on Sunday, October 14th from 2–5 p.m. in the Carman basement lounge."
"Bruce Portnoy CC '20 has fully embraced an existence stripped of any enjoyment, spending hours upon hours in his room, loudly wishing those in the Floor Lounge 'would just stop it.'"