Congratulations to Neil Gorsuch CC ‘88 on his nomination to the Supreme Court. The nomination renders Gorsuch the Fed’s first alumnus to land a job interview, except for the one guy who got a call back for that audition to dress up as Elmo in Times Square.
We would like to thank Judge Gorsuch for his continued support and blanket endorsement of all of our published work. For the past 30 years, Gorsuch has been an integral member of the Feditorial Board. Though he has busied himself with shallow legal pursuits, Gorsuch has always found time to contribute to our award-winning investigative journalism.
Gorsuch’s post-Fed career, though not as meaningful as his work with the newspaper, has included some noteworthy highlights. We are particularly proud of his decision to support Hobby Lobby in Burwell v. Hobby Lobby Stores. While we at the Fed have a few strong opinions about the gays, we support any action that chips away at Michaels' monopoly on the crafting industry.
Judge Gorsuch’s record speaks for itself. His stance on euthanasia, as detailed in his in his book, the Future of Assisted Suicide and Euthanasia is a prime example of his level headed thinking. Though we have not taken the time to read it, the title is pretty fun. In addition, while Mr. Gorsuch has yet to decide an affirmative action case, we know that, regardless of his position, he will be no less of a disappointment to President Bollinger than we are.
We at the Fed are confident that Mr. Gorsuch will uphold our Founding Fathers’ intended discriminations, and that Merrick Garland’s voodoo doll of him won’t stand in the way of his confirmation.
We wish him the best of luck in his efforts to move out of Denver.
IN OTHER NEWS
"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside Park.
While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”