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Columbia's Only Newspaper That Screams When You Burn It

Columbia's only newspaper That Screams When you burn it

The Federalist

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Sleepy Joseph Massad Asks Mom How Many Days Until Israeli Apartheid Week

December 29, 2017 Ben Greenspan
Graphic by Natalie Arenzon

Graphic by Natalie Arenzon

"Soon, sweetheart," cooed the 54-year-old professor's mother . "It'll come sooner if you fall asleep." 

In Other News

Home Blog
Jan 7, 2019
True Ally: This White Guy Doesn’t Say the N-Word when “Gold Digger” Plays at Parties
Jan 7, 2019

“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.


Jan 7, 2019
Nov 20, 2018
Historically Accurate Thanksgiving Lesson Gives 90% of Students Dysentery
Nov 20, 2018

“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”

Nov 20, 2018
Sep 23, 2018
Time Running Out for 17 Year-Old to Rape Someone and Still Become Supreme Court Justice
Sep 23, 2018

He’s also eyeing a presidential run.

Sep 23, 2018
Bummed About the World Cup Results? Here's How Croatia Can Still Win!
Jul 15, 2018
Bummed About the World Cup Results? Here's How Croatia Can Still Win!
Jul 15, 2018

Uhhhh, superdelegates?

Jul 15, 2018
Report: Dig Inn Smell Getting Stronger by the Day
Apr 9, 2018
Report: Dig Inn Smell Getting Stronger by the Day
Apr 9, 2018

“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”

Apr 9, 2018
BREAKING: Barron Trump to Be Replaced by Adorable Actor Jacob Tremblay
Mar 22, 2018
BREAKING: Barron Trump to Be Replaced by Adorable Actor Jacob Tremblay
Mar 22, 2018

"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"

Mar 22, 2018
The Person Underneath the Canada Goose
Mar 19, 2018
The Person Underneath the Canada Goose
Mar 19, 2018

You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.

 

Mar 19, 2018
Report: Aunt Vapes Now
Mar 16, 2018
Report: Aunt Vapes Now
Mar 16, 2018

"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."

Mar 16, 2018
Analysis: Is America Ready for a Gay Inspector Gadget?
Mar 5, 2018
Analysis: Is America Ready for a Gay Inspector Gadget?
Mar 5, 2018

"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"

Mar 5, 2018
Wayne LaPierre Just Wants to Enjoy Valentine's Dinner with AR-15 in Peace
Feb 14, 2018
Wayne LaPierre Just Wants to Enjoy Valentine's Dinner with AR-15 in Peace
Feb 14, 2018

"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"

Feb 14, 2018
In On Campus Tags 3, December 2017
← Family Ends New Years Eve Party With Traditional Blood Oath Not To See Each Other For 8 MonthsReport: Brian Best in Grade at Sliding Down Railings →

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