WATSON B. DUNCAN ELEMENTARY -- Multiple sources have confirmed to The Federalist that Brian is definitely the best at sliding down railings in the 5th grade.
"Oh, it's no contest," 5th grader Ainslie Claggett said. "He's really fearless when it comes to the railings. I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained! Then Carter tried, but he like chickened out halfway down."
The strength of Brian's sliding can be attributed to his mastery of arm steadiness. A detailed analysis of three of Brian's most heralded slides reveals that his outstretched arms form almost exactly a 180 degree angle at all times, with the plane of this angle shifting throughout the slide for balancing purposes. Unconfirmed reports indicate that this steadiness was honed by hours spent dangling in between door frames, his outstretched arms providing the only support.
At press time, Brian was seen in Nurse Maglione's office after an uncharacteristic fall into the bushes outside of the auditorium.
In Other News
When Bollinger was later asked how this new anti-marching policy would apply to CUMB’s beloved ORGO night, he responded “I guess as long as they saunter into Butler, it should be chill.”
She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.