WATSON B. DUNCAN ELEMENTARY -- Multiple sources have confirmed to The Federalist that Brian is definitely the best at sliding down railings in the 5th grade.
"Oh, it's no contest," 5th grader Ainslie Claggett said. "He's really fearless when it comes to the railings. I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained! Then Carter tried, but he like chickened out halfway down."
The strength of Brian's sliding can be attributed to his mastery of arm steadiness. A detailed analysis of three of Brian's most heralded slides reveals that his outstretched arms form almost exactly a 180 degree angle at all times, with the plane of this angle shifting throughout the slide for balancing purposes. Unconfirmed reports indicate that this steadiness was honed by hours spent dangling in between door frames, his outstretched arms providing the only support.
At press time, Brian was seen in Nurse Maglione's office after an uncharacteristic fall into the bushes outside of the auditorium.
In Other News
"Modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality..."
"Soon, sweetheart," cooed the 54-year-old professor's mother . "It'll come sooner if you fall asleep."
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.
"Coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. You gotta stay focused on winning! Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’"
"Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus."
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
"In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!"
"I thought it was frankly irresponsible that the tour guide failed to mention even one location in which my son could find himself bucking the wild white pony at 3:15pm on a Wednesday afternoon."
"His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”