Report: Brian Best in Grade at Sliding Down Railings

WATSON B. DUNCAN ELEMENTARY -- Multiple sources have confirmed to The Federalist that Brian is definitely the best at sliding down railings in the 5th grade.

"Oh, it's no contest," 5th grader Ainslie Claggett said. "He's really fearless when it comes to the railings. I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained! Then Carter tried, but he like chickened out halfway down." 

The strength of Brian's sliding can be attributed to his mastery of arm steadiness. A detailed analysis of three of Brian's most heralded slides reveals that his outstretched arms form almost exactly a 180 degree angle at all times, with the plane of this angle shifting throughout the slide for balancing purposes. Unconfirmed reports indicate that this steadiness was honed by hours spent dangling in between door frames, his outstretched arms providing the only support. 

At press time, Brian was seen in Nurse Maglione's office after an uncharacteristic fall into the bushes outside of the auditorium. 

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