Oyeputa, wind gargle through, pronter Peter and Judas’ cock crowed thrice prithistle thrice! Me carcass sways the nasador o’ the gosling—so dulcent so swift so suckle throwt me prested-woken’d yarble. We congesterize, we attendrate. Aye, say ye, Detenance! Strem and scream and helter skelter. Aye non, me says, poot your civimaggot away to rot and pointandpoint follow.
Wont thy scuchmachine to chinwagin me, yon the babe gosling (UUUWK kweouk UUUWK kweouk?) roasts sur the cripplecrappletendercackle and we setten. What changley! What soft in my delanted orificicles! Aye, my syphilized yarblebling does get festive with the—What soft in my delanted orificicles! Such real oheeyass I feel! I feel such real oheeyass! Et aye, my sweet, such I feel oheeyass that to me feel real! The yarble biggenwidens with the What soft in my delanted orificicles! And you say, no, only sight of thy devested carcass biggenwidens my yarble!
Alas, sloot or worse, filthy barbars, cutehooren! Ye devest me and I quillenly attendrate my dulcent so seeckle gosling. What perversion! Do not ye put your touchers where your cock is, save to the odorant o’ the gosling. Aroon to everything ye ole feel the stream of the gosflesh slither between cranklycrackly separations, it chauffates and hesks, rubs its pileless cuticles inside your corporice. Excitance. O threetimes he crowed and ye cease the lubbed toucher on your yarble.
Switch to the gosling and the spuddass ‘til eve, facile facsimile dodo himily. No more ekhling—no more touchers where the gosflesh does it! Jazzled oily, calmen and prepared to the squirt.
In Other News
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”
“He just looks so thin and pale in his facestagrams that I knew I had to give him his own mother’s medicine: my famous Latkes!” Marsha said.
The news has been met with excitement from Columbia students, especially given that Beto acts as one of few pieces of living evidence that the Columbia Men’s Rowing Team can, in fact, produce a principled member of society.
Professors in the Columbia Department of Economics confirmed that according to their research, the only product that can be morally consumed under our current economic system is the asshole of an acquaintance.
“Got a sock,” said Montás in disbelief. “President threw it, and Montás caught it, and Montás—Montás is free.”
“I probably should have known something was up when I entered and didn’t even check in with a human, just a slimy iPad from 2008.”