Asked for his opinion on Morningside Heights’ newest mainstay, Dave Jablonsky CC ’20 disdainfully shook his head. “Nah, never been to Shake Shack,” said the third-generation American. “Not really my kind of place.”
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
“Plus, the line is always so long that I don’t even think it’s worth the wait. It’s so much easier to grab some potstickers from Morton Williams,” continued Jablonsky, whose grandfather had huddled in line at Ellis Island between a man with whooping cough and a leper for three freezing cold days.
Multiple sources have corroborated Jablonsky’s careless disdain for America. “Yup, he’s never been,” said friend Matthew Sabra CC ‘20. “It’s honestly offensive. My great-grandmother barely made it here and had to work her hands to the bone to provide for her family. You bet your ass I’m eating at Shake Shack at least once a week, not for me, but for her."
As of press time, Jablonsky was sighted stepping into to Milano’s and overlooking the vast array of mouthwatering sandwiches, preferring to just grab a tray of sushi from the cooler.
In Other News
As of press time, the prince’s representative has clarified that going forward, His Royal Highness will “give explicit directions regarding if and how he wants any dissidents liquidized.”
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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