Asked for his opinion on Morningside Heights’ newest mainstay, Dave Jablonsky CC ’20 disdainfully shook his head. “Nah, never been to Shake Shack,” said the third-generation American. “Not really my kind of place.”
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
“Plus, the line is always so long that I don’t even think it’s worth the wait. It’s so much easier to grab some potstickers from Morton Williams,” continued Jablonsky, whose grandfather had huddled in line at Ellis Island between a man with whooping cough and a leper for three freezing cold days.
Multiple sources have corroborated Jablonsky’s careless disdain for America. “Yup, he’s never been,” said friend Matthew Sabra CC ‘20. “It’s honestly offensive. My great-grandmother barely made it here and had to work her hands to the bone to provide for her family. You bet your ass I’m eating at Shake Shack at least once a week, not for me, but for her."
As of press time, Jablonsky was sighted stepping into to Milano’s and overlooking the vast array of mouthwatering sandwiches, preferring to just grab a tray of sushi from the cooler.
In Other News
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.