While Columbia campus tours are intended to give prospective students a glimpse of undergraduate academics and life, some tour guides feel that important aspects of the Columbia experience, including recommended on-campus locations to rail a fat line, are not included in the regular tour program.
“I just want to share what I love most about this school,” tour guide Adam Beckett CC ’19 said. “It’s not the competitive teacher-student ratio, the opportunities for undergraduate research, or the extensive alumni network; It’s the insane number and variety of surfaces off of which I can rail a fat fucking line at any time of day or night.”
Prospective students are also affected by the information gap. “I guess it was fun to learn about the stone used to build Butler Library, but what I really wanted to get out of the tour was where on campus I could find the smoothest, shiniest surface to bleed a massive trail of Florida snow,” Aaron Campbell, a junior at Fairfield Prep, said.
“I thought it was frankly irresponsible that the tour guide failed to mention even one location in which my son could find himself bucking the wild white pony at 3:15pm on a Wednesday afternoon,” added Campbell’s father, a former McKinsey executive who fondly remembers his formative college years spent dancing the dirty tango with Lady Caine . “That was the very first stop on Aaron’s Dartmouth tour.”
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"Also, impending North Korean nuclear annihilation."
"We wish that we had not framed our Tamagotchi as an accessory to a triple homicide so as to relieve ourselves of the responsibilities of parenthood."
"Wont thy scuchmachine to chinwagin me, yon the babe gosling (UUUWK kweouk UUUWK kweouk?) roasts sur the cripplecrappletendercackle and we setten."
In the coming months, Columbians will finally have something to fill the orange-chicken-sized hole in their hearts.
"I am so disturbed by these recent developments within our school environment that I may transfer to a college where the football team still sucks, like Cornell."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"Society makes people bad, but more like, cheat-on-your-spouse bad – not Sean-level bad."
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"I had no idea how much regionalist scorn I was in for when I ordered the classic BUSHDID9/11 and mozzarella panini from Hamilton Deli."
"You simple fool, you can’t even fathom the mistakes you make."