In a school-wide email this Tuesday, President Lee C. Bollinger announced that the new Dean of the School of General Studies would be Charon, who was previously employed as Hades’ ferryman in the underworld.
Reflecting on the search for a new dean, Bollinger said, “We certainly had some wonderful applicants, but once Charon’s resume came across my desk, we knew we’d found the one. His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”
In a short statement released to the press, Charon expressed his eagerness to begin his new role. “I thoroughly enjoyed my millennia working for Hades, but I felt it was time move on to a new and exciting adventure. I cannot thank Hades enough for all that he has taught me; indeed, I am in large part so comfortable with the transition to Columbia because of the shared leadership styles I see between my former and new bosses.”
At press time, Charon was seen setting up his office in a cozy corner of the Pupin tunnels.
In Other News
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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