First-year Bryan Hanor was a little overwhelmed when he first arrived at Columbia; balancing rigorous academics, a new social atmosphere, and what he described as “the glorious carousel of quality dick in the city” seemed a near herculean task, only compounded by his recent gonorrhea diagnosis.
“He really seemed a little overwhelmed by all the work.,” Hanor‘s roommate told reporters on Monday. “I think there were some challenges he’d never rubbed up against: longer essays, higher analytical expectations, that sort of thing. But, honestly, I think the biggest change was moving from Podunk, Nebraska to a modern-day Gomorrah. Back home, he had to wait months for some strange from the big city to pass through, and now he had all the cock his tiny twink hands could handle. Human orifices just aren’t meant for that kind of wanton plenty.”
Though initially downtrodden after receiving his diagnosis, Bryan has bounced back, thanks to compassionate professors, good friends, and a booty shot from health services. Columbia is truly filled to the brim with stories of redemption, and Bryan’s is no different. The freshman is now able to efficiently balance his time between understanding the ethics of Hellenistic culture, and informing all of his recent sexual partners that they should get tested.
In Other News
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.