First-year Bryan Hanor was a little overwhelmed when he first arrived at Columbia; balancing rigorous academics, a new social atmosphere, and what he described as “the glorious carousel of quality dick in the city” seemed a near herculean task, only compounded by his recent gonorrhea diagnosis.
“He really seemed a little overwhelmed by all the work.,” Hanor‘s roommate told reporters on Monday. “I think there were some challenges he’d never rubbed up against: longer essays, higher analytical expectations, that sort of thing. But, honestly, I think the biggest change was moving from Podunk, Nebraska to a modern-day Gomorrah. Back home, he had to wait months for some strange from the big city to pass through, and now he had all the cock his tiny twink hands could handle. Human orifices just aren’t meant for that kind of wanton plenty.”
Though initially downtrodden after receiving his diagnosis, Bryan has bounced back, thanks to compassionate professors, good friends, and a booty shot from health services. Columbia is truly filled to the brim with stories of redemption, and Bryan’s is no different. The freshman is now able to efficiently balance his time between understanding the ethics of Hellenistic culture, and informing all of his recent sexual partners that they should get tested.
In Other News
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"