Midday on Monday, September 9th, Niccolo Ricci a sophomore exchange student from Siena, Italy, embarked on a voyage to the East Village, planning to meet a friend for lunch at Malai Marke, a well known South-Asian eatery. Yet minutes after stepping onto the pavement outside McBain, Ricci unknowingly stumbled onto an uptown 1 Train, on its way into the annals of history. After an exhaustive journey, the oblivious explorer clattered onto the distant platforms of 145th street a transformed man.
As it dawned on our urban pioneer just how far from the bourgeois comforts of the East Village he stood, fear struck Ricci’s heart. Surrounded by alien speakers of a strange tongue, Ricci fled through the streets, passing bodega after bodega before finding relative safety in a nearby Starbucks where he called an Uber back to McBain, promptly ending his Odyssean journey.
Though his lunch plans may have been lost to time, the memory of Mr. Ricci’s exploratory efforts into the distant jungle of Harlem never will be; President Bollinger has already announced a rare Monday holiday to commemorate Ricci’s brave achievement.
In Other News
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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