Midday on Monday, September 9th, Niccolo Ricci a sophomore exchange student from Siena, Italy, embarked on a voyage to the East Village, planning to meet a friend for lunch at Malai Marke, a well known South-Asian eatery. Yet minutes after stepping onto the pavement outside McBain, Ricci unknowingly stumbled onto an uptown 1 Train, on its way into the annals of history. After an exhaustive journey, the oblivious explorer clattered onto the distant platforms of 145th street a transformed man.
As it dawned on our urban pioneer just how far from the bourgeois comforts of the East Village he stood, fear struck Ricci’s heart. Surrounded by alien speakers of a strange tongue, Ricci fled through the streets, passing bodega after bodega before finding relative safety in a nearby Starbucks where he called an Uber back to McBain, promptly ending his Odyssean journey.
Though his lunch plans may have been lost to time, the memory of Mr. Ricci’s exploratory efforts into the distant jungle of Harlem never will be; President Bollinger has already announced a rare Monday holiday to commemorate Ricci’s brave achievement.
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"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
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Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”