Midday on Monday, September 9th, Niccolo Ricci a sophomore exchange student from Siena, Italy, embarked on a voyage to the East Village, planning to meet a friend for lunch at Malai Marke, a well known South-Asian eatery. Yet minutes after stepping onto the pavement outside McBain, Ricci unknowingly stumbled onto an uptown 1 Train, on its way into the annals of history. After an exhaustive journey, the oblivious explorer clattered onto the distant platforms of 145th street a transformed man.
As it dawned on our urban pioneer just how far from the bourgeois comforts of the East Village he stood, fear struck Ricci’s heart. Surrounded by alien speakers of a strange tongue, Ricci fled through the streets, passing bodega after bodega before finding relative safety in a nearby Starbucks where he called an Uber back to McBain, promptly ending his Odyssean journey.
Though his lunch plans may have been lost to time, the memory of Mr. Ricci’s exploratory efforts into the distant jungle of Harlem never will be; President Bollinger has already announced a rare Monday holiday to commemorate Ricci’s brave achievement.
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4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”