Earlier this week, Lila Weiss CC ‘20 was horrified to find the Columbia Vaporwave Club dead of an apparent aesthetic overdose in Hamilton Hall on her way to class.
The club had recently moved to Hamilton for their weekly meetings and listening parties, which previously took place in club President Greta Baumbach’s 1 bedroom Bushwick apartment.
“At first I thought they were all asleep,” said Weiss. “But when I turned off Blank Banshee and changed the song to ‘Despacito’ without objection, I knew they had all OD’d.
A thorough police investigation is still underway. Items found at the scene included a copy of Walter Benjamin’s Illuminations, 15 pairs of rose-colored sunglasses, five inflatable palm trees (deflated), three Pax vaporizers, and a bust of David.
Though rumors have been circulating of the Columbia Grindcore and Powerviolence Club’s being involved in the incident, they declined a Federalist reporter’s request for comment, replying only with guttural screaming and a Neruda poem.
In response to the tragedy, the Facebook Group ‘Vaporwave Sadposting悲しい少年™’ published a statement on behalf of its nearly 150k members:
ｔｈｅｙ＇ｖｅ ｐａｓｓｅｄ ｏｎ ｔｏ ａ ｂｅｔｔｅｒ ｐｌａｃｅ
ｏｎｅ ｗｉｔｈｏｕｔ ｂａｄ ｖｉｂｅｓ ｏｒ ｍｙ ｐａｒｅｎｔｓ
ｔｈｉｓ ｂｏｄｙ ｉｓ ｏｎｌｙ ａ ｆｌｅｓｈ ｃａｓｔｌｅ
As requested in his final will, the body of Executive Board member Aaron Gillespie will be made into a purple neon light to be installed in the corner of JJ’s Place.
In Other News
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”