Earlier this week, Lila Weiss CC ‘20 was horrified to find the Columbia Vaporwave Club dead of an apparent aesthetic overdose in Hamilton Hall on her way to class.
The club had recently moved to Hamilton for their weekly meetings and listening parties, which previously took place in club President Greta Baumbach’s 1 bedroom Bushwick apartment.
“At first I thought they were all asleep,” said Weiss. “But when I turned off Blank Banshee and changed the song to ‘Despacito’ without objection, I knew they had all OD’d.
A thorough police investigation is still underway. Items found at the scene included a copy of Walter Benjamin’s Illuminations, 15 pairs of rose-colored sunglasses, five inflatable palm trees (deflated), three Pax vaporizers, and a bust of David.
Though rumors have been circulating of the Columbia Grindcore and Powerviolence Club’s being involved in the incident, they declined a Federalist reporter’s request for comment, replying only with guttural screaming and a Neruda poem.
In response to the tragedy, the Facebook Group ‘Vaporwave Sadposting悲しい少年™’ published a statement on behalf of its nearly 150k members:
ｔｈｅｙ＇ｖｅ ｐａｓｓｅｄ ｏｎ ｔｏ ａ ｂｅｔｔｅｒ ｐｌａｃｅ
ｏｎｅ ｗｉｔｈｏｕｔ ｂａｄ ｖｉｂｅｓ ｏｒ ｍｙ ｐａｒｅｎｔｓ
ｔｈｉｓ ｂｏｄｙ ｉｓ ｏｎｌｙ ａ ｆｌｅｓｈ ｃａｓｔｌｅ
As requested in his final will, the body of Executive Board member Aaron Gillespie will be made into a purple neon light to be installed in the corner of JJ’s Place.
In Other News
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"