Let me be the one to say what we’re all thinking: fuck the football team for starting the season so well. When I applied to this esteemed institution, I was assured that I would be surrounded by hordes of nerds who only ever walked on a football field when deploying their telescopes on a particularly starry night; but now, because some ball was tossed into a goal, I must converse about some great catch by a wide receptacle.
What happened to the good old days when we could all just make chemistry jokes and Iliad references? Yesterday, my two friends had a whole conversation about Travis Kelce's blocking abilities downfield; what does any of that even fucking mean? This school is being overrun by jocks, and I’m being left behind, desperately trying to understand the difference between a touchoff and a kickdown.
This is the Ivy League; we’re supposed to scorn the athletically-inclined who we tacitly acknowledge will be working for us in ten years. If I had wanted to have fun during my college experience, I would have gone to a state school with attractive people and sunlight. But no, I chose Columbia explicitly because of its pervasive stress culture and alarmingly high suicide rate. I came to college to titillate my mind and reinforce my leftist viewpoints by engaging in meaningful discourse with those on the left and those on the further left. Now, the conservatives have the upper-hand, just because they understand what a forward pass is.
I am so disturbed by these recent developments within our school environment that I may transfer to a college where the football team still sucks, like Cornell.
In Other News
As of press time, the prince’s representative has clarified that going forward, His Royal Highness will “give explicit directions regarding if and how he wants any dissidents liquidized.”
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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