COLLEGE WALK -- After months of practice and bulking up, football player Terry Gunderson has reduced the number of steps it takes to cut a student off in foot-traffic down to just two, a 33 percent improvement from his former path-crossing number of three.
“When you see me take a mere two slow, lumbering steps to walk in front of you, I make it look easy,” Gunderson said. “But if you break down the numbers, you see just how big an achievement that really was. I cut down my steps by a whole 33 percent – that means 33 percent slower per step, 33 percent longer, and, though the research has yet to come in, maybe 33 percent more frustrating.”
Other students have expressed surprise at Gunderson’s new, lengthier steps, describing them as “frustratingly lazy” and “elephant-like.”
“When I saw Gunderson stomping out of John Jay with a smoothie in hand, I was prepared to wait for his normal three unbelievably slow steps,” Richard Thompson CC ’19 said. “Instead, I was met with two of the longest, most deliberate steps I have ever seen. It was like time froze. Gunderson’s body blocked out the sunlight entirely, like some sort of eclipse. From a few feet away I barely even saw his feet moving. I was transfixed.”
Gunderson recently broke the previous Butler-to-Low step record, taking only 23 steps door-to-door, clocking in a total time of three and a half days.
“With a mass as enormous as this able to travel at such slow speeds, I don’t see how the football team could lose this season,” football teammate Rick Dickson said.
At press time, students across campus remained too scared of Gunderson to tell him to speed the fuck up.
In Other News
"Also, impending North Korean nuclear annihilation."
"We wish that we had not framed our Tamagotchi as an accessory to a triple homicide so as to relieve ourselves of the responsibilities of parenthood."
"Wont thy scuchmachine to chinwagin me, yon the babe gosling (UUUWK kweouk UUUWK kweouk?) roasts sur the cripplecrappletendercackle and we setten."
In the coming months, Columbians will finally have something to fill the orange-chicken-sized hole in their hearts.
"I am so disturbed by these recent developments within our school environment that I may transfer to a college where the football team still sucks, like Cornell."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"Society makes people bad, but more like, cheat-on-your-spouse bad – not Sean-level bad."
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"I had no idea how much regionalist scorn I was in for when I ordered the classic BUSHDID9/11 and mozzarella panini from Hamilton Deli."
"You simple fool, you can’t even fathom the mistakes you make."