As the academic year begins and returning students fall back into the same comfortable, yet toxic friendships, Furnald resident Bruce Portnoy, CC ‘20, has expressed nothing but wild optimism about his own return to the crushing, god-forsaken grip of loneliness.
Already falling into a daily routine of 4 stress meals brought back to his room from Ferris, Portnoy has fully embraced an existence stripped of any enjoyment, spending hours upon hours in his room, loudly wishing those in the Floor Lounge “would just stop it.”
Portnoy has stated that his only concern going forward will be the coming months of overly stimulating salutations sourly delivered in passing between hallways and bathrooms. “God forbid I develop any actual relationships this year,” Portnoy explained. “That’s the last thing I need."
In Other News
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."