HAMILTON HALL—With a mere six seconds left in class, Professor Sasha Aronovsky was just about to dismiss her Literature Humanities section when one resolved student shot his hand into the air. Though Aronovsky visibly hesitated before pointing to the oblivious inquisitor, Reid Timmons CC ’21 proceeded to launch into a lengthy inquiry, the answer to which was glaringly apparent to every other member of the class.
Despite all 21 other students in the class shooting him withering glares, aggressively looking at the clock, and loudly packing up their stuff, Timmons bravely forged on with his question for a minute and twenty-six seconds.
“Honestly, I don’t have too much going on right now. I’m at a place in my life where I can spend ten minutes holding up an entire lit hum class by asking a question I could have easily found on the syllabus and I plan to live this shit up,” said Timmons when asked to justify his actions. “I was going to ask earlier, but that just seemed like such a considerate and well-timed thing to do.”
“I could probably find the answer to this by going on Courseworks, or asking a classmate, or speaking to the teacher individually, or using my brain for about three seconds, but it was just so much more convenient for me to delay the entire class and take my sweet time asking,” he continued, “Also you just don’t get this kind of attention from the teacher at homeschool.”
As of press time, a full four minutes after class was supposed to end, Timmons was seen transitioning into an involved monologue about the finer points of Thucydides’ sexuality.
In Other News
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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