CATSKILL MOUNTAINS -- Following mounting concern over the lack of racial diversity in nontraditional collegiate sports, Columbia’s Ski Team recently instituted a policy requiring at least one member of the team to not be named “Dylan.” The change comes at the end of a long week of controversy for the team, as a girl who had been partying with the team (also named Dylan) said that an unspecified Dylan had “done some shady shit” with her at one of their EC “sweat lodges,” prompting a frenzy to uncover the perpetrator.
“We’ve been neglecting the importance of creating an inclusive environment on the team for far too long,” commented Team Captain Dylan Marsh SEAS ‘17. “It’s time for us to start including people from all walks of life: Kyles, Andersons, maybe even a Quinn if we’re feeling adventurous. Literally just one person that isn’t named Dylan. That’d be ill.”
“Also, it’s been getting really hard to differentiate between people when we’re calling them over for a game of ruit,” added Marsh. “Sure we could use last names, but like, we can all agree that Dylan is a pretty sick name and not something we’d want to tarnish with a nickname or something like that.”
Other groups on campus have voiced concern about the new policy, particularly the Fencing and Squash teams. ‘As it stands, Dylans make up a significant portion of the talent pool from which the Fencing and Squash teams draw each year.” said Team Captains Dylan Baumbach CC ‘18 and Dylan Van Dorsten SEAS ‘18. “We believe the inclusion of even a Todd would upset our team’s dynamic on and off the court, and would be decidedly not ill.”
Still, the Ski Team is excited at the prospect. “Maybe we’ll get Campbell from Sig Nu this year,” added Dylan Waterson CC ‘18. “His mom has a house in Okemo. That’d be hella ill, you know?”
“I will miss the tightness of the community,” said Dylan Henderson, SEAS ‘19. “There’s just something about knowing you’re a carbon copy of every other person on the team that really makes you feel like a family. It’s also neat being able to differentiate from each other using snazzy ski outfits, mine is the zebra print pants in case you were wondering.”
At press time, the pre-law Dylans on the Ski Team were reportedly investigating a loophole that would allow for a “Dillon.”