Only a week into the semester, the Columbia Physical Education Department already finds itself nauseated. As PE classes begin across campus, instructors report gagging back their breakfasts when glimpsing their students trying to exert themselves.
One session of Dancing in Place had to be postponed when the gym floor became coated in a thick layer of Ferris-pizza grease. The instructor, Peter Nielsen, reported watching the oil seep out of his students’ pores as they began to move their limbs, slathering the floor in pepperoni and mozzarella grease.
Shreya Ortiz, a Yoga instructor, attributed the students’ pathetic physical condition to a simple cause: “They’re all a bunch of lazy fuckers, and fuckers don’t pass.” Ortiz reported that three of her students had fainted that morning and needed medical assistance after just 7 seconds of downward dog. One student had suffered a debilitating asthma attack after attempting to roll out her mat. “I’ve never encountered more flabby human beings,” Ortiz said. “Except for every other semester I’ve taught here.”
When The Federalist asked students in John Jay about these disturbing reports, most declined to comment, stammering something about “going to Dodge tonight.” However, one admitted he is familiar with the issue: “I’ve heard sex is good exercise,” he said. “I’m just not doing any of that either.”
As of press time, JJs’ closing has reduced the average daily flights of stairs climbed on campus to zero.
In Other News
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”