Only a week into the semester, the Columbia Physical Education Department already finds itself nauseated. As PE classes begin across campus, instructors report gagging back their breakfasts when glimpsing their students trying to exert themselves.
One session of Dancing in Place had to be postponed when the gym floor became coated in a thick layer of Ferris-pizza grease. The instructor, Peter Nielsen, reported watching the oil seep out of his students’ pores as they began to move their limbs, slathering the floor in pepperoni and mozzarella grease.
Shreya Ortiz, a Yoga instructor, attributed the students’ pathetic physical condition to a simple cause: “They’re all a bunch of lazy fuckers, and fuckers don’t pass.” Ortiz reported that three of her students had fainted that morning and needed medical assistance after just 7 seconds of downward dog. One student had suffered a debilitating asthma attack after attempting to roll out her mat. “I’ve never encountered more flabby human beings,” Ortiz said. “Except for every other semester I’ve taught here.”
When The Federalist asked students in John Jay about these disturbing reports, most declined to comment, stammering something about “going to Dodge tonight.” However, one admitted he is familiar with the issue: “I’ve heard sex is good exercise,” he said. “I’m just not doing any of that either.”
As of press time, JJs’ closing has reduced the average daily flights of stairs climbed on campus to zero.
In Other News
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"'Bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son."
"When I finally ran into her standing in sweatpants and a boring green cardigan in front of Butler, she just looked like a mere mortal."