Recently, after catching word of his edgy worldview, the Federalist caught up with Brandon Ainsley, CC ‘18, as he gazed pensively into the distance and sipped black coffee in Brownies Cafe.
“I guess I just appreciate a good throwback,” he stated, adjusting his man bun and making sure his coffee-stained post-modernist screenplay draft and copy of Infinite Jest were visible to all passerbys. “I’m a huge fan of women operating in separate spheres from men. I mean, c’mon, the 1950s? The post-war resurgence of female domesticity? That’s my aesthetic. And, oh my god, Republican Motherhood? Now that’s a deep cut. You just don’t see that kind of intricately-crafted oppression anymore. It’s all mass-produced sexual liberation nowadays.”
He paused his musings to check a notification from Rolling Stone and kindly correct the grammar of the girl sitting behind him. “I mean, the glass ceiling used to be a mosaic—a true piece of art. Now it’s just a thin, cheap sheet of recycled plastic that could be shattered with a toothpick. It’s a moral disaster of the highest order.”
At press time, Ainsley could be seen sitting in Avery, rocking a head-to-toe Urban Outfitters ensemble as he perused a book about Victorian-era restrictions on women and loudly marveled to the innocent souls around him about their “refined, yet radically bold appeal.”
IN OTHER NEWS
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"