Recently, after catching word of his edgy worldview, the Federalist caught up with Brandon Ainsley, CC ‘18, as he gazed pensively into the distance and sipped black coffee in Brownies Cafe.
“I guess I just appreciate a good throwback,” he stated, adjusting his man bun and making sure his coffee-stained post-modernist screenplay draft and copy of Infinite Jest were visible to all passerbys. “I’m a huge fan of women operating in separate spheres from men. I mean, c’mon, the 1950s? The post-war resurgence of female domesticity? That’s my aesthetic. And, oh my god, Republican Motherhood? Now that’s a deep cut. You just don’t see that kind of intricately-crafted oppression anymore. It’s all mass-produced sexual liberation nowadays.”
He paused his musings to check a notification from Rolling Stone and kindly correct the grammar of the girl sitting behind him. “I mean, the glass ceiling used to be a mosaic—a true piece of art. Now it’s just a thin, cheap sheet of recycled plastic that could be shattered with a toothpick. It’s a moral disaster of the highest order.”
At press time, Ainsley could be seen sitting in Avery, rocking a head-to-toe Urban Outfitters ensemble as he perused a book about Victorian-era restrictions on women and loudly marveled to the innocent souls around him about their “refined, yet radically bold appeal.”
IN OTHER NEWS
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”