The truth behind the beloved erotic fiction series that took the world by storm has finally come out. JK Rowling announced on Twitter that all characters in the Harry Potter series are, in fact, transgender individuals, including Neville Longbottom’s infamous toad Trevor. The author said she was as shocked as her readers to learn this news, but was happy to accept her characters for who they are.
Rowling explained the plot of the story throughout the seven novels was really just the journey of three trans friends trying to find their identity in a world of older trans people: “The magic was just a mechanism for coping with entrenched discrimination.”
“Dumbledore helped the young wizards blossom and find the true magic in their gender identity,” Rowling added. In the years following the conclusion of the series, Hogwarts became a safe haven for the transgender community, especially for those half-blood students in the midst of transitioning.” Rowling has also made known that the school recently changed its housing process, doing away with the sorting hat so students feel comfortable choosing their own identity.
In response to public outcry against the revelation, Rowling took to Twitter, ranting: “Name one time you saw a character’s original genitalia. That’s right, you didn’t. So you just assumed their genders? Nice one, asshole.”
As of press time, Gryffindor has expressed intersectional solidarity with Students for Justice in Palestine.
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“I probably should have known something was up when I entered and didn’t even check in with a human, just a slimy iPad from 2008.”
“We’re going all out to ensure that every sad boi finds his sad non-gendered partner this Valentine’s Day.”
If this journey has taught me anything, it is that I mustn't change who I am to find love with a future Goldman Sachs managing director. Instead, I must transfer to Barnard. Maybe then I’ll have a better shot.
“I’m an ally. I’m trying to create a better brand for this movement, one that better complies with established grammar rules.”
The snake is reportedly cash-green and vaguely slimy-looking, with an Apple watch still attached to its body.
“Robin was such a grinder,” said his roommate Tag Eisenhower CC’ 20. “For as long as I knew him he would put his body through absolute hell simply because he didn’t possess a single shred of planning or basic organization.”
He was also spotted with a few of his Lit Hum books in his backpack, a clear indication he is planning to study those too, like a massive dork.
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”
“Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens.”
“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.