The truth behind the beloved erotic fiction series that took the world by storm has finally come out. JK Rowling announced on Twitter that all characters in the Harry Potter series are, in fact, transgender individuals, including Neville Longbottom’s infamous toad Trevor. The author said she was as shocked as her readers to learn this news, but was happy to accept her characters for who they are.
Rowling explained the plot of the story throughout the seven novels was really just the journey of three trans friends trying to find their identity in a world of older trans people: “The magic was just a mechanism for coping with entrenched discrimination.”
“Dumbledore helped the young wizards blossom and find the true magic in their gender identity,” Rowling added. In the years following the conclusion of the series, Hogwarts became a safe haven for the transgender community, especially for those half-blood students in the midst of transitioning.” Rowling has also made known that the school recently changed its housing process, doing away with the sorting hat so students feel comfortable choosing their own identity.
In response to public outcry against the revelation, Rowling took to Twitter, ranting: “Name one time you saw a character’s original genitalia. That’s right, you didn’t. So you just assumed their genders? Nice one, asshole.”
As of press time, Gryffindor has expressed intersectional solidarity with Students for Justice in Palestine.
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She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”
“He just looks so thin and pale in his facestagrams that I knew I had to give him his own mother’s medicine: my famous Latkes!” Marsha said.