The truth behind the beloved erotic fiction series that took the world by storm has finally come out. JK Rowling announced on Twitter that all characters in the Harry Potter series are, in fact, transgender individuals, including Neville Longbottom’s infamous toad Trevor. The author said she was as shocked as her readers to learn this news, but was happy to accept her characters for who they are.
Rowling explained the plot of the story throughout the seven novels was really just the journey of three trans friends trying to find their identity in a world of older trans people: “The magic was just a mechanism for coping with entrenched discrimination.”
“Dumbledore helped the young wizards blossom and find the true magic in their gender identity,” Rowling added. In the years following the conclusion of the series, Hogwarts became a safe haven for the transgender community, especially for those half-blood students in the midst of transitioning.” Rowling has also made known that the school recently changed its housing process, doing away with the sorting hat so students feel comfortable choosing their own identity.
In response to public outcry against the revelation, Rowling took to Twitter, ranting: “Name one time you saw a character’s original genitalia. That’s right, you didn’t. So you just assumed their genders? Nice one, asshole.”
As of press time, Gryffindor has expressed intersectional solidarity with Students for Justice in Palestine.
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Reveal concerning emotional trauma in a creative writing workshop and then cry into your professor’s arms.
Hailing from St. Cloud, Minnesota, Wilson proceeded to sit down and tell his coastal friends “how darn freezing it was back home.”
“Now that I am here, though I’ve faced unspeakable acts of discrimination. So far, my below-average intelligence, glossy hair, and AmEx Black in my father’s name have been enough to carry me through life. I mean, they got me into this school.”
“If he isn’t the heir to a wildly successful American corporation, then why does he have so many pairs of leather Chelsea boots?”
“Fuck, there’s probably more.”
Quarters: Players attempt to bounce quarters into a shot glass. If they miss, they give the quarter to the nearest woman until the wage gap is closed.
Though Bollinger’s age might be assumed by some to be a hindrance, The Federalist determined that its effects are mitigated by diligent and consistent work on his Core.
Another new course is titled “Where’s the Gym?” The course will meet once the entire semester. Coaches will show students where the gym is.
“I’ve been hitting the gym, putting myself out there socially, and overall trying to be a more well-rounded person,” said the man who within three months will be sitting alone in a dark room, masturbating and eating Marshmallow Fluff.