MOSUL - Amid the ongoing battle between Iraqi security forces and the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, a new splinter group has formed to fight the corrupting influence of tooth decay.
In a video sent to the offices of the world’s foremost candy companies, a masked man stands in latex gloves, holding an AK-47 and a dental drill. He announces his intent to preserve “pure hygiene” by dismantling the oppressive western sweets industry and waging Jihad on tartar, plaque, and other problematic dental ailments.
After announcing his noble intentions, the masked man proceeds to perform six continuous hours of unanesthetized root canal work on a number of captives clad in the orange jumpsuits typical of ISIS propaganda releases. After the surgery is over, the dentist forces them to declare their devotion to a handy guide to tooth hygiene before shoving them back into their filthy cells with nothing but a brand new toothbrush.
Further investigation performed by CIA and UN officials has confirmed that the dentist is recruiting fanatic followers with the promise of 72 untarnished molars in the afterlife.
IN OTHER NEWS
She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”
“He just looks so thin and pale in his facestagrams that I knew I had to give him his own mother’s medicine: my famous Latkes!” Marsha said.