LOW STEPS - The Federalist has received reports of what could be a protest, a concert, a bake sale, or some other shit brewing on Low Steps, though this information cannot be confirmed at this point. Witnesses recount hoards of people gathering, hearing some amount of noise, and having only a dim notion what was happening as they made their way to class on the north side of College Walk.
"There were people holding signs, I guess," Eric Mayer, GS'20, reported. "They seemed angry, or like they were happy. And like they were trying to sell me something. Or dismantle capitalism? It was unclear."
"I think I heard music," an anonymous witness claimed. "Or maybe someone shouting through a megaphone," he added, before shrugging his shoulders and walking off unconcerned.
Students on their way to classes are advised to circumnavigate Low Beach in order to avoid the disruption or fundraiser, whatever it may be.
Additional reports will not be given as this story develops, because not one person cares.
IN OTHER NEWS
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."