LOW STEPS - The Federalist has received reports of what could be a protest, a concert, a bake sale, or some other shit brewing on Low Steps, though this information cannot be confirmed at this point. Witnesses recount hoards of people gathering, hearing some amount of noise, and having only a dim notion what was happening as they made their way to class on the north side of College Walk.
"There were people holding signs, I guess," Eric Mayer, GS'20, reported. "They seemed angry, or like they were happy. And like they were trying to sell me something. Or dismantle capitalism? It was unclear."
"I think I heard music," an anonymous witness claimed. "Or maybe someone shouting through a megaphone," he added, before shrugging his shoulders and walking off unconcerned.
Students on their way to classes are advised to circumnavigate Low Beach in order to avoid the disruption or fundraiser, whatever it may be.
Additional reports will not be given as this story develops, because not one person cares.
IN OTHER NEWS
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."
"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?"
"As of press time, the research team reported they had gotten 'blitzed' off of $7 vodka and had just purchased tickets to a Dave Matthews reunion tour show."
“Honestly, after spending twenty minutes trying to find the Allen wrench I dropped under the couch, I’ve realized he was a terrible father."
6. My younger brother.
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"