LOW LIBRARY – On Monday, Columbia President Lee Bollinger announced a new commitment to procuring adjuncts subjected to humane treatment. “It’s time for the adjunct-farming industry to accept basic modern standards of morality,” Bollinger said. “In 2016, it’s unbelievable that we still treat our adjuncts so heartlessly. It’s just not natural.”
The move was spurred by an investigative video filmed by activists. The footage showed horrific conditions, with adjuncts bleating violently every day in airless transport cars and confined to tiny, cockroach-filled spaces about the size of an average New York studio apartment. The teachers’ diet consisted almost entirely of inorganic feed produced by the chemicals company Maruchan.
Student groups advocating for free-range, grass-fed adjuncts—ethically sourced from a local farm upstate—claim that beyond ethical issues, the health of the student body is a major concern. Adjunct meat has been described as “wiry and chewy,” and is reported to contain trace amounts of cocaine, LSD, and crippling financial dread.
As of press time, President Bollinger was seen herding a flock of adjuncts, enjoying their daily graze, back into Low Library.
IN OTHER NEWS
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"'Bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son."
"When I finally ran into her standing in sweatpants and a boring green cardigan in front of Butler, she just looked like a mere mortal."
Flipping water bottles doesn’t need to oppress women like it does now.