MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - After a grueling spring term, students are returning to campus revitalized and ready to subject their bodies to a semester of heavy drinking. Columbians reported feeling “burned out” and “stretched too thin” in May, but a summer to relax and recover has left them ready to buckle down this upcoming school year.
“We shouldn’t lose sight of what we’re really here for,” said Tom Sorkin CC ‘19. While mixing a beer into his jungle juice he added, “I think this year I need to focus on expanding my horizons and trying new things.”
IN OTHER NEWS
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.