MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - After a grueling spring term, students are returning to campus revitalized and ready to subject their bodies to a semester of heavy drinking. Columbians reported feeling “burned out” and “stretched too thin” in May, but a summer to relax and recover has left them ready to buckle down this upcoming school year.
“We shouldn’t lose sight of what we’re really here for,” said Tom Sorkin CC ‘19. While mixing a beer into his jungle juice he added, “I think this year I need to focus on expanding my horizons and trying new things.”
IN OTHER NEWS
“I’ve done a lot of research and all the movies show that fat shaming is the most effective way to make those little bastards lose a few pounds.”
"If only Trump and Muslim refugees could sit down at the negotiating table and enjoy a bowl of Pizza Twist Macaroni..."
"I didn’t choose to want to fuck Paul Ryan. It’s just the way I am."
"Governor Reuben won a landslide victory to become the state’s first Toasted-American governor."
The study found that "no genitalia" also discouraged intercourse.
"Without a trigger warning, we have no way of knowing when a British journalist is about to have his guts spilled out onto the desert floor."
"Past tweets included personal attacks on Washington officials, celebrities, and random citizens from Indiana..."
"I’m sure this news will be met with disappointment."