MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - After a grueling spring term, students are returning to campus revitalized and ready to subject their bodies to a semester of heavy drinking. Columbians reported feeling “burned out” and “stretched too thin” in May, but a summer to relax and recover has left them ready to buckle down this upcoming school year.
“We shouldn’t lose sight of what we’re really here for,” said Tom Sorkin CC ‘19. While mixing a beer into his jungle juice he added, “I think this year I need to focus on expanding my horizons and trying new things.”
IN OTHER NEWS
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."