LERNER HALL - For the 30th consecutive year, a first-year student in Columbia College has been widely declared the least employable individual at the fall career fair.
When contacted, Alan Star-Parson CC ‘20 gushed, "I knew when I decided to be a comparative literature major I had a chance to do something special, but it was really my philosophy concentration that made me believe the sky was the limit."
Star-Parson is the latest in the long line of first-years to be denied even a conversation from every employer booth, and even failed to grab the free swag that each company is so eager to pass out. As of press time, analysts forecast both a meteor strike and a nuclear winter before he finishes paying his tuition.
IN OTHER NEWS
The study found that "no genitalia" also discouraged intercourse.
"Without a trigger warning, we have no way of knowing when a British journalist is about to have his guts spilled out onto the desert floor."
"Past tweets included personal attacks on Washington officials, celebrities, and random citizens from Indiana..."
"I’m sure this news will be met with disappointment."
“Taking flight using only the motion of your penis is really all about confidence."
Gorsuch is the first Fed alumnus to land a job interview.
"Like, although I wasn’t thrilled about it, I got Obamacare because the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t have dental insurance."
Gill has not showed that he is willing to stand up for justice.
Even Neville's toad.