LERNER HALL - For the 30th consecutive year, a first-year student in Columbia College has been widely declared the least employable individual at the fall career fair.
When contacted, Alan Star-Parson CC ‘20 gushed, "I knew when I decided to be a comparative literature major I had a chance to do something special, but it was really my philosophy concentration that made me believe the sky was the limit."
Star-Parson is the latest in the long line of first-years to be denied even a conversation from every employer booth, and even failed to grab the free swag that each company is so eager to pass out. As of press time, analysts forecast both a meteor strike and a nuclear winter before he finishes paying his tuition.
IN OTHER NEWS
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"'Bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son."
"When I finally ran into her standing in sweatpants and a boring green cardigan in front of Butler, she just looked like a mere mortal."