LERNER HALL - For the 30th consecutive year, a first-year student in Columbia College has been widely declared the least employable individual at the fall career fair.
When contacted, Alan Star-Parson CC ‘20 gushed, "I knew when I decided to be a comparative literature major I had a chance to do something special, but it was really my philosophy concentration that made me believe the sky was the limit."
Star-Parson is the latest in the long line of first-years to be denied even a conversation from every employer booth, and even failed to grab the free swag that each company is so eager to pass out. As of press time, analysts forecast both a meteor strike and a nuclear winter before he finishes paying his tuition.
IN OTHER NEWS
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."
"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?"
"As of press time, the research team reported they had gotten 'blitzed' off of $7 vodka and had just purchased tickets to a Dave Matthews reunion tour show."
“Honestly, after spending twenty minutes trying to find the Allen wrench I dropped under the couch, I’ve realized he was a terrible father."
6. My younger brother.